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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 11/5/2012

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THE CURIOUS INDEX NEARLY MISSES A CERTAIN DEATH.

WE'D CRY, TOO.

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We're sure the even-handed people of Alabama will retroactively unmock Tebow for crying after the 2009 SEC Championship game, because tears are now fine in sports.

COLLIN KLEIN IS SO GOOD HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HE'S SCORING TOUCHDOWNS! He also is concussed, another reason he didn't know he'd scored a touchdown on Saturday in K-State's victory against Oklahoma State. No word on his availability moving forward, or whether Bill Snyder will consult the local blacksmith for a second medical opinion. (He will.)

JOKER IS DEAD. And Kentucky has the letter to prove it, complete with the picture of Mitch Barnhart used to promote his book "Big Blue: One Man's Secret Battle With Cotton Candy Addiction." Continue to follow the Chris Nolan Batman trilogy in your hiring, Mitch. Break out the checkbook for JIM MCELBANE.

AS FOR REPLACEMENTS: Dirk Koetter? Um, sure. Dirk Koetter, and also possibly Brent Pease, current UF coordinator and former UK assistant.

"THEN WE DID OUR PRAYER AND TOOK A SHOWER." Gary Patterson is speaking in code here, because that's what you do after you rob a casino. "Did our prayer" = shimmied down the garbage chute. "Took a shower" actually means took a shower, because you just shimmied down the garbage chute. Next up? Planning the heist of a lifetime at Bill Snyder's House of Bingo and Marionettes.

AT LEAST HE'S NOT A BLOGGER. Bobby Hebert may be many things, but he is not some sarcastic, stained-pants wearing, no-floss using, social leper. Credentials! Because even the saddest people have to feel some misplaced sense of power!

THINGS ARE GOING BRILLIANTLY IN PULLMAN. Mike Leach appears to be having good times in Pullman.

ETC. This is a SLIGHTLY misleading headline, but we're glad nobody wound up with a smelly and soaked Dora costume. Doors so do not respect insane millionaires.