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EVENING THREAD: BYESHOMON, PART 3

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Was it The Holgo Brigand who murdered Robb Akey? Or was it Akey's wife, Paul Pasqualoni? Can you tell I've gotten very little sleep?

Mark L. Baer-US PRESSWIRE

LONDON: Has the jury reached a verdict?

GOLDEN: We have not, and we request to hear from Coach Akey himself before we do.

LONDON: It's unorthodox, but I will allow a medium to channel the spirit of the victim.

INTERIM IDAHO COACH JASON GESSER: Behold, I will bridge the gap between this world and the next! Speak to us, Spirit of Akey, and make clear who it was that took your coaching life from you!

(He goes into a trance and begins to speak in a different, bushier voice.)

GESSER: BOTH THE BANDIT AND MY WIFE SPEAK FALSEHOOD. I WAS NOT FELLED BY THE BRASH MOUNTAINEER NOR BY THE WHORE FROM STORRS. I CHOSE MY OWN END, UNABLE TO ACCEPT THE SHAME OF ONLY BEING ABLE TO BEAT NEW MEXICO STATE. MY HAND, AND MY HAND ALONE, IS THE CULPRIT. THE ONLY CRIME HERE IS THAT JOHN L. SMITH STILL GETS PAID AMERICAN DOLLARS.

LONDON: Is this sufficient for the jury?

GOLDEN: It is. We find no credibility in Coach Pasqualoni's confession, as Connecticut barely possesses the ability to affright an asthmatic toddler. While we believe the evidence points towards Coach Holgorsen's guilt, we are forced to conclude that it is not clearly so, given what the Medium as told us. Therefore, we find no one guilty of Coach Akey's murder.

We return to the scene at Byeshomon Gate.

MILES: Of course, nothing at that trial was accurate. I saw the whole thing myself, but testifying seemed too much of a chore. The Brigand did lay with Pasqualoni - and then he begged to be allowed to return to the Big East, that he might avoid the pain and misery of competent defenses. Instead, Pasqualoni demanded that Holgorsen and Akey fight for her favor, which confused both. The battle was sloppy and disorganized, and the Brigand did land the final blow, but only after allowing Idaho to score 58 points. Pasqualoni fled, and Holgorsen hid in an abandoned Bennigan's, drinking room temperature Bud Light Limes.

BLANKENSHIP: But why did you not speak up! A murder has gone unanswered!

BEAMER: Truly, Grasscutter, this cannot be the w-

(They are interrupted by the sound of a crying babe.)

This is your evening open thread. Please don't think too much about Paul Pasqualoni as a beautiful woman.