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The Grasscutter and the Priest share their tale of the Brigand's trial for Robb Akey's murder.


VIRGINIA COACH MIKE LONDON: Order! We will have order in this court! The testimony of Dana Holgorsen, The Brigand accused of murder, will now be heard!

WEST VIRGINIA COACH DANA HOLGORSEN: You know what, I ain't even gonna lie. Damn straight I killed that Akey bitch and he deserved it for being such a sorry-ass trick. He couldn't treat his woman right so you know Holgo showed her what a real vert route looks like. Robb was all "oh don't kill me I want to coach out the season" but BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM WE OUT.

LONDON: The court will hear from the victim's wife!

UCONN COACH PAUL PASQUALONI: The Brigand lies! It was not by his hand that my beloved died, but by my own! For months I had begged him to ally with the Big East Clan, that we might extend our footprint in our inevitable rise to power!

(the audience in the court breaks into laughter)

LONDON: Order! The witness will be allowed to testify, even to ludicrous conclusions!

PASQUALONI: Akey refused again and again, insisting that he would rather embrace the life of a ronin than share a conference with Memphis. Unable to accept his dishonor, I took his blade and slit his throat. It was a crime of love, and one for which I will not apologize.

LONDON: We will submit this to the jury for deliberations. The foreman will instruct the court when a verdict has been reached.

MIAMI COACH AL GOLDEN: Yes, your honor. (sweats through shirt)

This is your second open thread. On an unrelated note, I really think Gene Chizik has this ship turned around, you guys!