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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 11/26/2012

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Brought to you by Alicia Keys and assholes with high credit limits.

Wesley Hitt

THIS COACH IS ON FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE. The best part here is the idea that Colorado AD Mike Bohn gave the same speech to Colorado players. EXCLUSIVE - only EDSBS has the video of that fateful and moving speech! If only there were some elder statesman available to guide this team in a new, crazier direction. You need this Johnelle, Buffs. For your glaucoma.

THIS COACH IS ON FIIIIIiiiiiiIIIIiiiiiRE. For over a thousand years, Roman O'Briens returning from the wars enjoyed the honor of a triumph - a tumultuous parade. In the procession came trumpeters and musicians and strange animals from the conquered territories, together with carts laden with treasure and captured armaments. The O'Brien rode in a triumphal chariot, the dazed prisoners walking in chains before him. Sometimes his children, robed in white, stood with him in the chariot, or rode the trace horses. A slave stood behind the conqueror, holding a golden crown, and whispering in his ear a warning: "All glory is fleeting, and chocolate milk will erode your soul."

SOMETHING SOMETHING VAMPIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE. Oh right, there are other coaching vacancies. And yet, Chizik's is not the most obscene buyout, as that honor belongs to Frank Spaziani, who received a handshake and half a box of PowerBars.

OBJECTION. Rick Neuheisel never put up with improper questioning, because Rick Neuheisel has the Sacred Power of LAW DEGREE. Second question, Coach Mora: are you any closer to catching the thief who is stealing player teeth?

SLOW YOUR ROLL, ACC. Maryland is a rare and precious flower, not something you can just replace on a whim. You think you can just stroll into any Big East Lots store and pick out well wait this UConn DOES look a lot like the iPad your wife wants for Christmas and for only fifteen dollars? It'd be a crime not to buy it!

NOTHING TO SEE HERE. Well, I'm sure this will be the last we hear of this story. Case closed! But what could have been the final straw that broke Robert Ndkemiche's recruiting back?

ETC. Will I too be punished for practicing dental hygiene without a license? FLOSSING OR NOT FLOSSING IS MY GOD-GIVEN RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN. Not so awesome now, are you, Swedes? Matt Elam, the world's worst and most murderous weatherman. Mock him if you want, but there are a lot of places to hide a knife in footie pajamas.

POSTSCRIPT. You didn't think we'd make you start a post-holiday work week without some Freekery, did you?