Washington vs. Cal
If you are watching Cal football, TAKE A SHOT OF BLEACH WHILE BARKING LIKE A DOG. The size of that shot should be THE ENTIRE BOTTLE.
Temple at Louisville
The Big East's best team takes the dive to Divesylvania with Steve Addazio? Time to DIVE INTO THE WRECK OF A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE and CHUG SOME LEAKING URANIUM WATER while thinking seriously about THE CHOICES YOU HAVE MADE IN ENDING UP AT A POINT IN LIFE WHERE THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE WATCHING AT NOON THIS SATURDAY. (Brah.)
Mizzou at Florida
You'd think this would be red wine because Gary Pinkel got a DUI, but you'd be wrong because HE'S IN A FRANZIA MODE RIGHT NOW. If Mizzou loses another starter due to injury, you have to BITE THE BAG OPEN and DRINK IT LIKE A VAMPIRE WHILE YELLING BLAH BLAH I'M IN TWILIGHT SUCK MY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK.
Oklahoma at Iowa State
In honor of Paul Rhoads and the rioting demons of Ames you gotta keep this so real and proud. If Iowa State upsets Oklahoma, DRINK A CAN OF PEPPER SPRAY while DOING WII FITNESS and yelling I'M SO PROUD OF THIS YOGA MAT RIGHT NOW. If Steele Jantz is sacked, BUTTCHUG A FORTY OF STEEL RESERVE and then CALL AN AMBULANCE because YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE.
Texas A&M at Mississippi State
The Agpocalypse! If Mississippi State makes a big play, PUT A SHEEP IN A BLENDER and then ADD RUMPLE MINZE because without it SHEEP IS UNDRINKABLE AND MINT ALWAYS GOES WITH LAMB. If Texas A&M makes a big play, then DRINK A GUN.
Illinois at Ohio State.
Just go ahead and finish slamming down that bottle of ANISE-FLAVORED SCOTCHGUARD. Why? You're the one watching Illinois-Ohio State. Also, can RON ZOOK STAY ON YOUR COUCH for just like the next 6 weeks or so? He's living the ALL FREEDOM LIFESTYLE. If Illinois scores, do a KEG STAND OVER A NATURALLY OCCURRING GEYSER.
Ole Miss at Georgia
Hugh Freeze and Mark Richt alike haven't consumed anything not solid since their 16th birthdays because Jesus never mentioned any liquids other than water and wine, the consumption of both which are pretty clearly sins. If you can't figure out how to EAT A CHICK-FIL-A LEMONADE WITH A PLASTIC KNIFE AND FORK you just don't have enough faith that a higher power is going to help you figure it out. If Ole Miss kicks a forty plus yard field goal, DO SHOOTERS OF PURE FLUORINE AND BREATHE THE BREATH OF A FIERY GOAT-DEITY FOR THE FIRST AND LAST TIME.
Oregon at USC.
Pour TWO FIVE HOUR ENERGIES into a venti triple Red Eye and then chase it with A RED BULL AND ATIVAN COCKTAIL. Your reality is still only 1/8th the speed Chip Kelly operates at all times. Hands shaking? Pupils dilated? Sounds like even your central nervous system's quit on Lane Kiffin. If Marqise Lee has over 200 yard receiving, POUR YOURSELF A TALL GLASS OF HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE not because USC uses it but because DR DRE BATHES IN IT and he lives JUST DOWN THE ROAD IN A HOUSE MADE OF BEATS HEADPHONES.
Stanford at Colorado
TCU at West Virginia
TCU at West Virginia. Alcohol? Dana Holgorsen's POST ALCOHOL, and you should be too. Alkanes are the wave of the future. Take a whiff of this. What's a matter, yuppie boy? Can't handle the ATMOSPHERE OF JUPITER poured into A SOLO CUP LINED WITH POLONIUM? You'll have to if WEST VIRGINIA SCORES OVER FORTY POINTS. If TCU wins, everyone does shots of GARY PATTERSON'S VISOR SWEAT. It will give you the power to VOMIT UP GARY PATTERSON'S VISOR SWEAT.
Pittsburgh at Notre Dame
Drink this holy water*. What's that sensation? AN ASSAULT OF YOUR SENSES. Go to jail , but don't worry; you won't miss the game! *=holy water may or may not just be MUDDY WATER FROM THE ALLEGHENY RIVER. If Gary Danielson says anything about this game afterwards, DRINK ANYTHING THINKING ABOUT HOW GARY DANIELSON USED TO BE GOOD AT HIS JOB.
Nebraska at Michigan State.
If Taylor Martinez passes for over 300 yards then FINISH YOUR DRINK, but only if your drink IS THE BLOOD OF BOB DEVANEY MIXED WITH FRESCA FOR TASTE. If Michigan State throws for more than one touchdown, DRINK WHATEVER YOU WANT because YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD.
Clemson at Duke
If Duke wins, drink A LOW-CARB BEER FROM THE SKULL OF PORFIRIO RUBIROSA, OWNED BY THE ESTATE OF DORIS DUKE. If Sammy Watkins makes an amazing play, play a rousing round of SERIOUSLY SOME PLAYERS SHOULD JUST BE ALLOWED TO TURN PRO.
Oklahoma State at Kansas State
If Kansas State wants you to drink anything in this game, do not trust them because COLLIN KLEIN DIDN'T EVEN KISS HIS WIFE BEFORE MARRIAGE, so they're not big on TASTING THINGS AHEAD OF TIME. Oklahoma State is known for their offense, so if they happen to get an INT, sack, or safety on defense, then you must OPEN A CAN OF ETHER and watch the rest of the game SITTING IN A COZY COUPE AND LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY.
Alabama at LSU
DRINK THE SAME THING THREE TIMES IN A ROW WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.