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Kevin C. Cox

RANDY STAPLES UP IN THIS PIECE. The mustache starts to sag at the end, and that makes it better because bad prosthetics are always funny.

The internet has helped get Jay Mariotti off your television screens and Randy Staples onto your computer. You really owe the internet for a lot of very wonderful things. Write it a thank-you note one of these days and address it to "The Internet." It'll get there, we promise.

NUMBERS AND MATH ARE ALL LIES. Miami went 1-12 on third down last night and still beat Virginia Tech, something we watched and still can't understand. We're in good company: neither can Virginia Tech fans.

DAMMIT PITT. Three members of the Pitt football team are being charged with assault in an incident that could keep the three off the field for the game against Notre Dame this weekend. The three include wideout Devin Street and Ray Graham, two starters who are major cogs in the Pitt offense. Tino Sunseri will just have to do it alone, then. (Just more fuel for Gary Danielson's SEC Boner file.)

IT'S YOUR CAR. This isn't ruining a Lamborghini. It's making it faster, dude.

Hey, look, people on the internet talking about cars like assholes. There are horrible people on the internet, and then there are people who transparently display their deepest insecurities in veiled arguments about cars and what should be done with cars. If you can afford a Lamborghini guess what you have to do with it? WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT, ASSHOLE. We hope someone who was really disturbed by this has to watch this car's owner tailgate out of the back of it in Baton Rouge, and then gape in disgust as the owner peels out in the mud while driving a $200K car and eating a greasy hamburger without using napkins in the driver seat. CAR PEOPLE ARE HORSE PEOPLE BUT WORSE BECAUSE THEY THINK THE CARS ARE MAGICAL AND RUB WEALTH AND PRESTIGE OFF ON THEM LIKE CLUB GLITTER. Fuck them. Fuck them all forever, preferably in the back of a Pontiac Aztek with the horrible tent up and flapping around uselessly on the back.

ALABAMA IS STILL TERRIFYING. Hinton is right, as he usually is. Bill C observes another football death machine and finds that USC could still spoil Oregon's best team yet, which would be the most Lane Kiffin thing ever.

RACIST-ASS BOTTLE. Pffft. Of course you gotta bring race into the theme bottle, Maker's Mark.

NEVER TAKE AIR FORCE LIGHTLY. In football, or in life, because these are men who will bite each other in brawls that start over snow frolics.

ETC: The single best collection of infomercial failure GIFs is basically what we imagine humanity to be as a community. Ravin' in '97 meant lots and lots of gum-chewing. No one is asking the question "where the hell do you get a drone?"