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Lane Kiffin is being held hostage. Someone please tell Ed Orgeron to put the pitchfork down, and he will get the five racks of ribs for lunch that he is accustomed to receiving.

AN EPIC TALE OF CRIME AND PUNISHMENT. We have now reached some amazing rubicon, and pause on the edge wondering what having a three thousand word piece on the Alabama/LSU teabagging incident means for our society, country, and for humanity as well. The words "Hello, Brian Downing's scrotum" appear on ESPN's website. You are welcome, America. --Love, the state of Alabama.

ALSO IN GRAND WORK FROM THE WWL: Wright Thompson appears to be the closest anyone will get to becoming Les Miles' Boswell, so enjoy it while you can. This happened:

A few days later, we sit in his Escalade waiting for his son Ben's youth football game to begin. He eats a burrito bowl. In the shadow of the Mississippi River, Sri Lanka comes up again, along with the sprawling world outside his bubble. "Am I gonna have a regret that I haven't traveled?" he says. "That I haven't seen the faces of other peoples?"




NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Kentucky has no stated interest in Bobby Petrino, or simply blasted "Ain't That Lonely Yet" into the phone when asked about it by reporters.

POLITICS ARE A FULL-CONTACT SPORT. Or, if not yet already, they will be when Nick Saban politely shakes the Governor's hand, twists it into a joint lock, and slams him shoulder first into a running bandsaw Segal-style for subordination. The answer to any offensive playcalling issue is always "DO THE OTHER THING," and in Alabama it is always

STAND DOWN. WR Thomas Johnson of Texas A&M has been found, and is fine after it was announced that he had been missing since Monday. By the way, being an athlete in college means people come looking for you, since by that definition we went missing for months at a time in college.

DID FLORIDA STATE CHOKE? The answer to this in perpetuity is yes, but especially so in this year's ACC. As to the question of someone having to win the Coastal division, um, no. No one has to win anything in the ACC ever, and that is just something the rest of us will have to accept.

HAIL FREEZES OVER. Oh, t-shirt punnery will get you a long way around here, Ole Miss.

ETC: Zlatan, DAAAAAAAAAAMN. No one's arguing here about this world's sexiest man award. The bad part is that the kid missed a really fun ride in a trunk, something five year olds around the world love.

ARKANSAS STATE LOSES A DB. And also a name every football team should have.