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(reserved for Bill Snyder puppet government joke)


A VICTORY 472 YEARS IN THE MAKING. Nearly five centuries after he was driven off the continent by an angry mob of villagers in Savoy, Baron of the Night Bill Snyder has risen to his rightful place atop the BCS polls. Of course, you cannot have a king before you have a prince, and Ron Prince Commercial and Football Foundations LLC is ready to go to work for you TODAY! (Seriously, he's right here in my kitchen eating all my fruit leather and asking if I want to go to the craft store with him please hire him now.)

PREPOSTEROUS. That's what we call anyone so bold as to question Tommy Tuberville's wholly reasonable and sensible explanation to that whole "hey why did you smack a grad assistant" thing. Come on, you think a man's going to spend $4,700 a month on lotions and cremes to get the silkiest palms in Texas and then risk scuffing those velvety mitts up over a GA? Girl, please.

DO NOT PLAY THIS AT WORK. Unless you work at a College Station Best Buy, in which case, stream this video to every TV in the store on endless loop. For maximum NSFW-ed-ness, pair it with a slideshow of Thujone's latest work.

OH, DAIMION STAFFORD. You are either very, very brave, or very, very stupid.

This is like getting in a shouting match with a wood chipper, except a wood chipper won't wait until you're asleep and then break all your toes.

BECAUSE THIS IS APPARENTLY THE ALL CURRENT-OR-FORMER BIG 12 CI. Here's Gary Patterson, being very careful to not use "our quarterback" and "beaten unconscious with an exfension cord" in the same sentence. Gary Patterson is a professional like that.

ETC. Tom Osborne is forever a champion. You think you want a cool mom, but trust us, you don't want a cool mom. So that's why Alabama won't schedule Georgia Tech. THESE ARE THEIR STORIES.