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SORRY AUBURN IT'S COME TO THIS. At Auburn, it's better than you expect because after a while you go numb and let the endorphins take over. Or maybe not. We don't even know anymore when it comes down to this as a coping mechanism:

By the way, when Christina Aguilera says "If I share my secret, you're gonna have to keep it?" GIrl, the world knows about Spanx and it's no secret, honey.

AL GROHVERTURE, GROH-VER. That was brief. (Not that Paul Johnson really cares about time, place, or what you think, son.)

SORRY, UTSA. In Bill C's listing of the best undefeated teams UTSA gets no respect, but WVU is way up there and why the hell not? Provided Alabama short-circuits and they keep at the Auburn BCS title plan, it could totally work. Did you notice that requires Alabama making mistakes? We like improbably plots, and thus loved Prometheus. ("Jesus was an alien, dude. BOOOOOOOOOOONG RIP.")

WILL MUSCHAMP IS PLEASANT. The last one is the champion.

JUST CHILLING FOR A WHILE. That's TCU QB Casey Pachall, taking some time off where he will most definitely not be wearing Superman underoos in a park, nope, not at all.

CHARLIE WEIS IS A CHARMING INDIVIDUAL. Sending the seniors to lift and run while everyone else practices is indeed a way to make the team unite around, Because that's worked everywhere you've gone, and seriously Charlie Weis is just the worst, and has also made more money than you'll ever dream about having.

GOT MY ARMOR ON. The South Carolina Gamecocks will be donning camo pants for their game against LSU, which is a wonderful symbolic move that we still want to evolve to an SEC team wearing Realtree camo on the field. Let's make this happen, Tennessee. It's not like you've got anything to lose at this point.

THERE IS A BORING ANSWER FOR YOUR DRAMATIC PROBLEMS, HOKIES. And at great length, The Key Play explains that boring answer in one word: fundamentals.

ETC: Felix Baumgartner is falling from space today, and lucky you, you can watch it from your desk. Hawkeyes legend Alex Karras is gravely ill, so thoughts, prayers, etc to him and his family. Tim Tebow makes no mistakes, ever. Arkansas sports are the best sports as long as we're not talking about football. Monkeys say fuck your cucumber, man. Imagine that college coaches invent good ideas you can use in the pros. BEST CAR CRASH SCENE EVER. The MMA Hour almost had real live assault on it yesterday. Free Radiohead is free Radiohead.