THE CURIOUS INDEX, 10/8/2012

PAUL RHOADS HAS NO NEED FOR YOUR PUNY CHALLENGES. It's not that Iowa State's never had a call overturned. Far from it, actually. It's more that Rhoads has developed a, shall we say, alternative form of referee diplomacy.

Please tell us this is how he treats all officials, WRNL. Because Paul Rhoads ripping his shirt off and berating a USPS employee after they don't hold his mail while he's on vacation is a thing that needs to be real.

THE ILLINI ARE ONLY 2-4. And each loss will only make his addiction grow worse and more public. The low point comes in two weeks when Illinois loses its homecoming game to Indiana and Beckman spends the entire second half cooking crack over a hot plate. (The grad assistant assigned to carry the hot plate up and down the sideline ends up pretty badly burned.)

"TELL ME ABOUT 2012, GRANDPA." "Oh, that was a special year. Ohio State went undefeated and was awarded the AP National Championship, because you don't need to play in a conference final or a bowl game once you beat UCF." "That sounds magical, Grandpa. But why are your hands dissolving?" "I'm fading into nothingness, because this is all nonsense."

SIGN UP BELOW FOR A SHIFT TO KEEP WATCH ON DOUG. It may not be listed in the DSM-IV, but conjuring up the ghost of Jim Donnan is definitely a warning sign of something. Please don't lose to Georgia Tech, Dawgs. Things get real weird when Doug only answers to "John Quincy Carter," the fictitious president who gets traded to Portugal for Vinny Testaverde. (We don't even have the heart to show him Georgia get thoroughly out-Americaed.)

INCOMING ETHERGRAM FROM GENO SMITH!

There is so much we have to learn from you, Geno Smith. With one gesture, you demonstrate three times the hating we spend hundreds of words trying to express.

ETC. If you're able, call your mom today and tell her you love her, because she isn't one of these two women. BUT WHO IS DAVE??? Once more, for good hateful measure. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHAEL DUDIKOFF.