A PUBLIC STATEMENT FROM T. BOONE PICKENS

Dear citizen,

Hello. I have just a short public statement to make on the matter of the Big 12's officiating crew and their performance in last Saturday night's game between Oklahoma State and the University of Texas.

I would first like to acknowledge how difficult the job of being an official at any level of sport truly is. There is nothing harder than reacting to events in real time. This is even harder when you have to work with a rule book and fairness in mind. Theirs is not a position any of us would envy, and I thank them for their service in a difficult situation.

I would also state that personally I have no problem with the calls on Saturday, even if they did not favor my beloved Cowboys. The human element is a special part of the college game, and we would be poorer fans for losing it.

I would never suggest apologies are necessary. I would never suggest that the referees made calls in favor of Texas because of the University of Texas' very large profile in the Big 12. Texas is just another school in our fine conference, albeit a very successful one.

I would never do a lot of things. For instance, I most definitely do not have an earthquake machine. That is a preposterous idea, almost as the idea of someone with an earthquake machine testing it on their own stadium.

No sane person would do that, just as no sane person would use that earthquake machine to threaten Dallas with little test earthquakes just to remind them that messin' with Oklahoma State has its costs. Who would flatten an entire subdivision just to get at one official, an official like Big 12 veteran Mr. James Allen of 328 Willow Park Lane, Hutchins, Texas?

Such a mad man could not possibly be allowed to accrue power in our society, much less a personal fortune erroneously valued at only a billion dollars or so. That would be as ludicrous as a major college football program unable to watch its own dedicated channel in its athletic offices, or having Baylor as a member.

The Big 12 is not a league of nonsense, and certainly not one with a major booster seconds away from annihilating the next Texas-loving bastard with a whistle and a pocket full of yellow man-panties they like to throw around to impress that grinning sack of rancid tamales and counterfeit Prada bags you call Mack Brown.

Sincerely,

T.Boone Pickens

Oklahoma State booster

Non-earthquake-machine-owning Energy Magnate