Reading about a high-stakes underground youth football gambling ring raises two important questions. First, who would be so callous and heartless to corrupt sports at their most innocent? Second, what kind of prop bets were they offering? The first is for a court of law to answer. The second? That's where INTERNET comes in.
FIRST PLAYER TO WET HIS PANTS: Lots of money is going to Brian (5/2 odds) but a real value bet could be Tommy this week at 15/1, because I gave him two extra Capri Suns (Capris Sun?) before kickoff.
A FATHER LIVING HIS DREAM THROUGH HIS CHILD WILL BERATE A REF IN THE FIRST QUARTER: A little too early for this one, as most of the eligible dads here won't be but a beer or two in.
MARK "BABY TANK" DAVIDSON WILL HAVE THE MOST TACKLES: I don't think an eleven year old with a full beard should be called "baby" anything.
OVER/UNDER 45 MINUTES SPENT AT HOME DEPOT AFTER THE GAME BECAUSE DAD JUST NEEDS TO MAKE A QUICK TRIP: Over. Waaaaay over. IT'S JUST GROUT DAD DANGIT I WANNA GO HOME AND PLAY BANJO-KAZOOIE.
THREE OR MORE PLAYERS SHOW UP MISSING EQUIPMENT: Bet this one hard, because there are at least two kids on the team who threw their pads in the lake because they really wanted to play soccer instead.
A RECEIVER GETS CONFUSED AND RUNS THE WRONG WAY IN THE FIRST HALF: Be careful here - the second half is when the kids who have to play because everybody gets to play come in.
A CHILD VOMITS AFTER EATING TOO MANY STAR CRUNCHES (STARS CRUNCH?) AT HALFTIME: Avoid! David's mom is on snack duty this week, and she frequently forgets until the last minute and just grabs a box of old Chewy bars that have been in the pantry for months.
THE LOSING TEAM REALIZES IT'S JUST ABOUT HAVING FUN AND TRYING YOUR BEST: You're shitting me, right?
THE LOSING TEAM REALIZES IT STILL GETS AN END OF THE SEASON PIZZA PARTY: Much better bet.