clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:



Sam Greenwood

Relevant Kanye: "So Appalled"

1. There was this sandwich we ordered on the way into the game at Publix. We said, "Yes, turkey on whole wheat, and don't give us that banana pepper shit because you know what banana peppers are? FAILURES AS PEPPERS AND AS PICKLES, DAMMIT." Sandwiches are not born failures. They're made, and the path to failure starts when some clodhopping doltbag puts peppers on them, and then soaks the whole thing in oil and vinegar because yeah, a sandwich is basically a bread salad, right? FOOLS.

2. So we got that sandwich, and realized it was a shit sandwich. Just a gigantic turd between two loaves of bread, still piping hot and reeking and wrapped in wax paper with a label that read "SHIT SANDWICH/ PRICE: ON THE HOUSE." Before we could complain, that shit sandwich grew arms--giant, swole arms ripped with anger and years in the gym--and beat us across the parking lot. It must have had legs, too, or simply levitated while raining blows down on our visored head, cursing about banana peppers and asking us if we were too good for them, and what was that crap about oil and vinegar because that shit gives a sandwich character and give when it could otherwise be a dry and miserable experiment in meat transferred between adolescent slices of toast.

3. The shit sandwich then threw us into the side of a Nissan Armada, flexed, and then marched across the street to catch the bus.

4. A bad omen would be nice, but bad omens are a matter of retro-narration. For instance: down 10-9 in the second half, Jason pointed up and goes "Hey, whoa, look." The clouds broke, and for the first time in four days easy you could see the sky, the blue sky of a late afternoon fading into a soft, blustery night in Jacksonville. That's the moment when you smile, give a thumbs-up to the skies, and Buddy Jesus gives you the thumbs up as Jeff Driskel drills a touchdown pass to tie up the game.

5. That is the moment when Jarvis Jones decides that omens are bullshit, and are always bullshit. Just handing out shit sandwiches all day long, Jarvis Jones won this game and proved what we've always said: not playing Kentucky in football is one of the healthiest things you can do for your ailing superstars. (See: uselessTim Tebow concussions suffered in games where you really didn't need him anyway.) In fact, not playing Kentucky in football seems to heal injuries almost instantly, and in fact rejuvenate gimpy players who spent most of the season since the Mizzou game dragging one leg behind them. This is not sarcastic, and may be a new medical treatment.

6. "We have declined chemotherapy, and instead wished to be placed on the inactive list for the Kentucky game." CURED.

7. Jones finished the game with 13 tackles, four tackles for loss, three sacks, two forced fumbles, and two fumble recoveries. There is no hyperbole capable of magnifying the stat line. Every time Florida was on the verge of making something happen, Jarvis Jones smiled, put on a hairnet and Publix uniform, and happily handed a sandwich over the counter, the same shit sandwich every time, piping hot and fresh and designed just for you. He was an astonishing menace, and has been in this game two years running.

8. Now please turn pro. It would make our lives and Jacksonville area grocery store sandwiches so much more pleasant, and give you insane, life-changing amounts of money. You are already the best defensive player Georgia has ever had at any position, and have nothing left to accomplish. Also, no one on my our football team can block you, although Jon Halapio is very good at placing both hands on your back after you flatten a ball-carrier. It's a talent, really.

9. You can't be mad when the grand shitsandwiching is that grand, and that exaggerated. LIke, maybe you could be angry with two turnovers, or three, but coughing up the ball six times isn't even worth grief. Some shunt in your heart opens up, pipes in the Benny Hill, and even at 10-9 you lock the brain into solid farce mode. When Jordan Reed elevated and Jarvis Jones fist thumped the ball loose into the endzone, you didn't even expect a Florida player to fall on it. You expected anything but that: a Bulldog recovery, a Florida player falling into a sinkhole spontaneously opening below them, lightning to hit Will Muschamp, just anything but the good thing that would have given Florida a chance to tie the game.

10. Jeff Driskel, drifting endlessly right on the final possession of the first half, was the breaking point. A quarterback has to throw the ball away there, and get something like points, and then nope that's a Georgia defender just standing there and waiting for the ball to hit him squarely in the numbers. After that, it was Yakety Sax for 30 minutes at varying levels of volume, and Jarvis Jones chasing Florida around like so many bikini girls fleeing Benny Hill.

11. And yeah, maybe that was bound to happen. Playing big dumb marginal Will Muschamp football with an offense that had regressed over the past three weeks was going to catch up with you, and do so in a hurry when facing a Georgia team clearly high on rage and adrenaline lollipops from the start. There are a handful of teams capable of weathering six turnovers, and they are all in the top twenty offensively. Florida is in the basement of national offensive rankings, and was facing a burly defense bent on forcing Jarvis Jones into nook and cranny of its existence.


13. The rest of the game was unwatchable. Pease called a miserable game under miserable conditions. Mike Bobo remains a baffling source of loyalty for Richt, making only one really solid call the whole game: throw in single coverage to Malcolm Mitchell, and see what happens. Aaron Murray is regressing, and Jeff Driskel looked utterly lost much of the game. Georgia's offensive line was fine while Florida's struggled with basic assignments and never got Power working properly. Both defenses had fine days, and when offenses are this bad, defenses are going to have a lot of fine days.

14. Even Georgia fans up until the end seemed to be having negative amounts of fun watching this. Grim, arms folded in contempt, and staring dead forward with the radio call blasting through their headphones, they seemed locked in a paralytic state of fear for their team, that they would fall into some Richtian hole of punts, blown assignments, and Bobo-tude down the stretch. We felt bad for them right up until the end, since being a Georgia fan seems to be fine most of the time, but a replay of the same horrors again and again when things go badly down the stretch.

15. We sat near Big Dawg. Big Dawg spends most of the game posing with women and looking down their shirts. He also holds up his cane during the national anthem because, um, CANE SALUTE AMERICA SOMETHING. He was not our Georgia fan MVP. That would be the unknown soldier behind us who yelled out "DAMMIT BOBO" every twenty minutes or so. You are a hero, sir, and more of a gentleman that that attention-hogging, boob-ogling overall model ever will be.

16. Runner-up: dude who spent most of the game with both middle fingers raised toward the Florida side. Like, the whole fucking game. It took real digital endurance, and we respect the training that must have gone into that.

17. We wish we could say the same for Florida fans. We can't: this was basically last year's game all over again, a long hopeless clawing down the stretch interrupted by moments of sheer confusion. We had no idea this team would be undefeated going into this, playing so far above their heads and catching so many breaks that perhaps--yes, perhaps--this was coming all along. They're young. They're still learning. They needed this.

18. But that's also retro-narration, and bullshit. Jarvis Jones is legitimately great, but the rest of this Georgia team could easily cough up the Ole Miss game this next week. (Do not lie: you feared this thing the minute the game ended, Georgia fan, because that would be the most Mark Richt thing ever to beat Florida, and then lose to Hugh Freeze's Bible College Achievers.) Florida was miserable on offense, and still coughed up their last chance in the endzone with a minute on the clock and a first-year starter at the controls.

19. The rest is just the angry surprise shit sandwich of all shit sandwiches. The rest is hoping to win out and hoping for stupid things like "Ole Miss beating Georgia in Athens." That shit is. Fucking ridiculous.

20. Trey Burton's hands were replaced by stone crabs taped to the end of his arms on Saturday. We demand an explanation.

21. We have no idea what the officiating crew was doing on either side of the ball. But sure, it's your stadium. We can't stop you from doing your community theater dada in front of a live audience. That movie deal is surely en route to your house via courier RIGHT NOW, ATTENTION HOGGING OFFICIALS THROWING FLAGS RANDOMLY!