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You are advised to stay indoors, because that's where nobody can see you eating ice cream for breakfast.

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DAMMIT UFFORD. There is a time and place for buzz marketing SB Nation, and natural disasters are not it.

And don't even get me started on that terrible gait.

AIRBHG DENIES ANY INVOLVEMENT WITH RECENT EVENTS IN COLLEGE PARK. AIRBHG may be a vengeful deity, but he/she/it has a slow hand. Something else is felling Terrapin quarterbacks, and doing so at an alarming rate. Fortunately, basic principles of virology demonstrate that the Eds Coli virus kills its victims too quickly to spread very far. Breathe easy, Towson.

ALMOST MADE IT, FEATHERED FRIEND. Oh Spirit the War Eagle, how were those brief seconds of freedom from your football prison? Did they taste like the freshest and most delicious field mouse? What made you stop? Was it loyalty? Or was it the somber realization that nothing Auburn can go more than 200 yards in the air in 2012?

THE COACHES POLL CONTINUES TO BE RELIABLY UNRELIABLE. Texas needs a last second touchdown to beat Kansas, moves up two spots. Michigan State received a vote. Two people listed "meat lasagna" as number one. Two of those things are actually true, and the other one is somehow the most defensible.

THE ROPE OF TIME IS INVISIBLE. That doesn't mean Urban Meyer won't gleefully double dutch the shit out of it.

ETC. No, please tell us all about your clever Halloween costume that is a piece of shit because it is not this.