THE ALPHABETICAL: BONUS LETTERS

The Alphabetical is up before Wednesday. AMAZING, WE KNOW. Here are your bonus letters.

Alpha: We really wanted to talk about the Michigan State/Ohio State game, and then we watched it and learned what we already knew about both teams, i.e. Braxton Miller can bail out an entire team by himself, and if we have to watch another quarter of Michigan State playing offense we will hand the nearest stranger our eyeballs for safe keeping and reattachment after the game. Michigan State plays American football against Iowa in two weeks and the government still sits silent just letting this happen.

Beta: Please take this separately from the rest of the Big Ten's usual cycle of abuse. That note about the SEC's cycling through a rough patch of quarterback talent is just as valid for the Big Ten, a league processing some real roughage at the position. You're going to need beer to wash the O'Toole/Terbush/Maxwell era down, and by "beer" we mean "bleach and tonic with lime." The lime prevents scurvy. The bleach ensures that you die.

Gamma: Being on the road means we were in Athens, and saw many young ladies in skirts and cowboy boots. You all looked wonderful and young and blessed with natural human growth hormone, but we could not stop thinking about how hot your feet must have been. Are we one of those men who looks at high heels and can't stop thinking about how uncomfortable they are? We are that guy all the time, perhaps because we came of age in a time when ladies wore a lot of bike shorts and puffy jackets. #LLCoolJVideoLadies4Lyfe

Delta: WE GOT TWO HERSCHELS, Y'ALL. Keith Marshall and Todd Gurley looked fantastic against the Tennessee defense, but that happens when you run against Tennessee's perimeter, the same weakness Florida exploited against them with the fly sweep. The quiet shocker in the Tennessee game was the Bulldog defense giving up 197 yards on the ground, something Brent Pease and Steve Spurrier had to notice with gentle, evil chuckling on film. Jarvis Jones was nowhere on Saturday, and that's also deeply strange for this Georgia defense. (Alec Ogletree, though, was a hazard to public safety in the best possible sense of the phrase.)

Epsilon: Georgia Tech lost to Middle Tennessee State. If you just wanted to fire everyone after that, we'd understand.

Zeta: We playfully looked down the schedule to see if there was anyone left Arkansas could beat. Surely that would be their last noncon and that's---um, that's 4-1 Tulsa. Oh god, we're so sorry, Arkansas. For everything.