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DAVE CHRISTENSEN HAS LOST HIS DAMN MIND

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WYOMING'S COACH IS A VERY ANGRY 12 YEAR OLD BOY

By Spencer Hall
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This is really quick but:

  1. Any rant that starts with a random "FUCK YOU" delivered to someone off-camera before the action ever really gets going is already working on a perfect game in the seventh inning.
  2. It gets even better when Christensen delivers the first face-to-face "fuck you" to Calhoun while still shaking his hand, since he is clearly determined to make this entire process as confusing for everyone as possible.
  3. NICE ETHICS MAN is the new "Don't Tase Me, Bro!" T-shirts are being made as we speak.
  4. The Wyoming assistant who attaches himself like a struggling tugboat to Christensen's side is clearly familiar with his boss's mood swings. He probably does this all day, attaching himself like a remora to the boss-shark as he yells at people throughout Laramie. Are you picturing him nudging Christensen away from a sandwich artist as Christensen goes "WHO PUTS OIL AND VINEGAR ON A SANDWICH IT'S LIKE THE WORLD'S WORST AND WEIRDEST TIRAMISU? WHO, I ASK?" In a past dog he was an Australian Shepherd, and he enjoyed it immensely.
  5. I don't know at what point he started to devolve into a giant 12 year old boy, but whenever that process started is was complete when Christensen calls Calhoun "a fuckin' puss." No one, and we mean absolutely no one, has ever used this term after the age of fifteen. You're a pioneer, Dave Christensen.
  6. Troy Calhoun deploys a real life trollface here. He is not an unformidable opponent.
  7. And where does it get bad? When the woman--whoever that is--comes in to beg everyone to stop. As a man, you know this is when you have left the rails, and are likely careening through a preschool playground with a full head of steam and eighteen cars of freight behind you. The appearance of a female family member in a conflict means one of two things: you're going to jail, or you have terrified everyone in the family to the point where those that bear children are concerned for the safety of their spawn and others. It's impressive.
  8. Every masterpiece has its coda, and this is Christensen's:

Christensenwoo_medium

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