ALPHA. We started thinking about this: how much person could you feasibly suplex into the turf like LaMichael Fanning did to poor Russell Hansbrough in the Mizzou game. We're probably good to 125 pounds or so, but as anyone who's thrown around a giant MMA-grade sandbag would tell you, an object that sags and slumps like a real human is way, way harder to lift and stabilize than you imagine. No, we don't know this from dragging bodies or suplexing strangers at MARTA stations because it's the only thing that makes us feel. Shut up.
BETA. We're also not real big on midseason awards, and with reason: a lot of teams have barely gotten out of warmups at the halfway point, much less proven a lot in terms of consistency. Still, looking around, it's hard to suggest anything but the following:
- Alabama's played football with the killing power and charm of a tree shredder, and deserves any and all accolades for doing so against every team they've faced. Roll horrifying faceless killing machine Tide.
- Arizona State has been shockingly (HEYO) good, and would look a lot better if they somehow hadn't lost to a disjointed and injury-prone Mizzou team in Columbia.
- Oregon State is at 5-0 and you SHUT UP NO YOU DID NOT SEE THIS COMING SHUT UP YOU LYINGFACED LIARBALLS.
- Texas has been a gigantic disappointment as an individual team.
- The bottom of the SEC East has been utter shit as a group, with Kentucky, Vandy, and Tennessee going winless as a group so far.
- The West's only winless team in conference is Auburn, who sits one last minute win over ULM away from being winless.
- The Big East doesn't look half bad, and still has three undefeated teams. This should come out in some different font letting you know we're not being sarcastic, and have not suffered a stroke in the typing of this sentence. We mean it: the core of Cincy, Louisville, and Rutgers have each looked great so far.
- The Big Ten is .
GAMMA. Maryland is 4-2 and atop the Atlantic Division in the ACC. Who called he inevitable Randy Edsall conference championship? We did, because all Randy Edsall does is pour bad milk into the air vents of college football. Good luck getting the smell out of the division.
DELTA. Seriously, think about a Denard/Braxton game with even less defense than last year, and then giggle.
EPSILON. If AJ McCarron's meniscus in his knee really is torn, it won't matter because Tennessee has given up three hundred yard rushing to opponents twice already this year, and we think Alabama still watches film of their opponents.
ZETA. These are the comments from this copy of the Youtube clip of LaMichael Fanning's rasslin' moves.
I admit it's been awhile since I played a down of football. More then 15 years the last time I counted, but since when did the game of football get to be so soft? This is a rough sport. Or at least it used to be. At some point you have to let the players play.
And then, after some discussion:
And creating rules to prevent every single little itty bit of potential for injury is no excuse for turning the game of football into a game for pansies. Man up already. Why don't you end the game of football altogether if you are just going to ruin it with all these little nit picky rules. Caveman thinking? Please. Try MAN thinking. You should trying it sometimes. You know, being a man.
MAN thinking, y'all. ROLL TIDE.