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WE BOUGHT A ZOOK (FROM AN UNPUBLISHED MANUSCRIPT BY DR. SEUSS)

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Won't somebody help me? My team is a mess!
Coach JoePa's no more, and my woes are no less.
My team has no rudder, recruiting's the pits --
I need a new coach for my woebegone Nits.

Need a new coach? I know just where to look!
Go down to the coach store and pick up a Zook.

A Zook? What's a Zook? Young man, stop being silly.
I don't have the time to be goofy or frilly,
To engage in tomfoolery, gawking or games.
I need a top coach, not a list of fake names.

A Zook is a coach! You don't need to fret!
It's the coachiest coach that an AD can get.
He'll win here and there, he'll lose more than a few,
And after three years you can get someone new.

You dundering dud! Is your head full of air?
I don't want a coach I can fire without care.
I want the best coach that an AD can hire!
I want the next Saban, Miles, Carroll or Meyer!

You can't have a Saban, you son-of-a-dumbus!
He's in Tuscaloosa. Urban Meyer's in Columbus.
Les Miles is preparing for Title, Part Two.
Face it, ALL the good coaches have something to do.

No, you need a Zook to assume JoePa's place.
He'll sit in a seat. He'll take up some space.
Compared to JoePa, his achievements will pale.
He's too dumb to realize he's set up to fail!

Nobody can fill JoePa's shoes. That's the trouble.
They're welcome to try, they'll just end up befubbled.
A Zook can come in and take one for the team
While you keep up the search for the cream of the cream!

The cream of the cream? A football team's dream?
A Zook might be just what I need, it would seem!
The Zook will look bad when compared to ol' Joe,
But the NEXT coach will look great compared to the schmoe!

That's the ticket, my friend! Why, you're starting to cook!
You're well on your way to locating a Zook.

But where is my Zook, my disposable coach?
Are there any Big Six retreads I can poach?
An FCS no-name from AppState or Furman?
Or an NFL guy, like Chan Gailey or Sherman?

Yes! NFL! To the pros, that's the ticket!
That's where I'll find somebody lickety-splicket.
Too dull to succeed, too obscure to offend --
That's where the search for my own Zook will end.

I don't need innovation -- superficial's the key.
And Bill Belichick's staff sure looks glossy to me.
What about Bill O'Brien, New England's OC?
HE can be our caretaker for two years or three!

Bill O'Brien? That's brilliant! Your smarts are unbridled!
An interim coach in all aspects but title.
He can weather the storm of this Sandusky scandal,
Then get sent on his way once it's too much to handle!

This Zook! This Zook! This wonderful Zook!
Thank you, sir, this solution is tops in my book.
It's OK to punt when you're over a barrel.
Just regroup in three years to chase Saban or Carroll!

And there lies the lesson of this coaching search:
Don't fret when it seems you've been left in the lurch.
Just hire a nobody, a nothing, a schnook!
If you can't have a legend, you just need a Zook!

-- From the forthcoming "Oh, the Places You'll Coach!" (New York: Random House), a collection of unpublished works by Dr. Seuss. Other stories include: "What's Miffin' Lane Kiffin?"; "A Very Pleasin' Sarkisian"; "Houston Hires a Who?"; and "There's a Muschampus on My Campus."