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If the oaks at Toomer's Corner die--and according to this week's estimate, that is a real possibility--then Auburn has plans. They'll look into the viability of replacing the oaks after a cleanup operation, and in the meantime make some kind of "temporary structure" for students to rally around, celebrate some shitty win by field goal*, and then do what Auburn students and alumni always do after football games: blow up dogs with commercial explosives.

They'll also roll the structure with toilet paper, continuing a tradition stemming back to whenever the tradition started. There being no demonic clocks--THE DEVIL'S EGG TIMERS, I TELL YOU--in Auburn, time and dates tend to slip a bit, but rest assured they have been doing this for a long time, and it is a respected community bonding activity in Auburn.

(Did you know the current head of Apple is an Auburn grad? They'll be happy to tell you this, and frown when you joke about the impending SEC investigation right hahaha get it get it?)

There are no definite plans for what that temporary structure may be, but we do have one suggestion that an alumni would happily pay for in American dollars.


WOOD DAMN EAGLE. It's a money maker and a landmark all at once, and if you put an ATM in it you can get money out of it 24 hours a day, any time, even if you were a prospective recruit just passing by the corner in need of a few bucks. Whoops! Did the Yella Fella spit out a few hundred extra! Well, I guess you better report that to the bank, and return those dollars, son!


PS. Do not trust anyone from Alabama's opinions about anything that could remotely touch football. Football touches everything there. Therefore, do not trust anyone from Alabama about anything.