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MACK BROWN HIRES MORE MACK BROWNS TO DO WHATEVER MACK BROWN DOES

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You might be wondering why I, Mack Brown, would need $5 million dollars a year. Well, first, I need to give some of it right back to the great state of Texas, and to the fine men and women who make it what it is: the greatest state in the union. I do this by paying taxes, just like any good American would. You like that rutted toll road, Houstonians? Say thank you to Daddy Mack for a good twenty foot strip of that.

Then, because this is a big job for a big state, I'll need to set aside some for my long-suffering family. Contrary to the terms of my contract Ol' Mack isn't going to live forever, so it's important that I get things set for them in my absence. For those purposes, I have brought the talents of veteran character actor Beau Bridges. He's warm, avuncular, and while not intimidating is certainly capable of being the firm but caring father figure I know I won't be able to be after my departure from the Great State of Texas. Beau will start these duties playing family Mack immediately in order to free me up to tend to my football obligations.

With this money, I would then need to take care of my second family, The Texas Longhorns. You might recall how I've brought on such great talent to help this university in the past, like current Texas assistants Manny Diaz and Bryan Harsin. I'd like to announce the latest member of our staff, a person who i believe will bring an energy to the role of "Coach Mack Brown" that hasn't been seen in years

Playing the role of me on select gamedays, non-BCS bowls, and during weekly press conferences, I present the new "Coach Mack Brown," veteran thespian Ben Gazzara.

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I assure you, Mr. Gazzara's sixty years of acting experience make him an ideal candidate for this position. I've seen him clap, and it is a spectacle of theatrical skill unlike anything I've seen. He was also in Road House, the only film I have ever seen.

Mr. Gazzara's understudy is also a new hire. Carl Weathers brings a wealth of experience to the job, and while his apperance as "Mack Brown" may be a bit jarring, I assure you the spirit he conveys as "Mack Brown" overcomes any doubts as to his ability to play the role.

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Finally, with the proceeds of my $5 million, I will finally delegate some of my duties for phone interviews and recruiting calls to Tendulkar Phone Services of Hyderabad, India.

If you need me, I will be doing the important business of the Texas football program, and helping lead us back to Big 12 Titles and the BCS Title Game at my ranch. Thank you for this contract extension. Mr. Gazzara will take any further questions on this matter.