Hello, Coach Chip Kelly of the University of Oregon, from Sunny St. Petersburg, the fairer and more genteel of the fine cities of the Bay of Tampa.
Representing the federated cities of the Tampa Bay Area, including St. Petersburg and Tampa in alphabetical order, I am Bucco Bruce, representing the ownership of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the Glazer family. I am available for children's birthday parties and adult entertainments if they are requested and handled discreetly. I am to tell you that we are interested in your services as a football coach. To be fair, all communications are handled jointly with the city of Tampa., and we will alternate sentences to keep this fairness intact. Please visit our excellent children's museum. Wear pants when you do so to avoid any confusions. Yours sincerely, St. Petersburg of the Tampa Bay Federated Buccaneers.
Chip Kelly: Words. Offer. NFL? No. Processing. No. Thanks. Coffee. Film. Call recruits. Speak. Slowly. Like slow people. HATE. SLOW.
CAPTAIN FEAR (TAMPA): Our team has many xciting player like JOSH FREEDMUN and AR-GREGULUS BANE! He broke Batman's back at temple camp, because they're both jewish. People luv 2 live in tampa because of warm weather and lack of flies and the ease lifestyle. No income tax lifespace is good SHOOTERS. WE HAVE MORE STRIP CLUBS THAN FIRE HOUSES! YEEEEZOOOOWWWW!
Suprise! Calculation. Yes. Listening.
Captain Fear (St. Pete): The Sunshine Skyway's suicide hotline goes not to an operator, but to a looping recording of Foreigner's "I wanna know what love is." Our schools are half-passable, as in half of them are passable. Our climate is agreeable.
NEGATIVE. Superfluity. Expense. Resetting. Ace offset spread heavy right. Fake play-side, throw left.
Captain Fear (TAMPA): Every restaurant in Tampa is P.F. Changs. Sure, they're all differently named, and the menus and prices are different. But don't be shocked when you order spanikopita at a local diner and end up with the double pan-fried noodles combo.
Affordable living=interest engaged. Describe. DESCRIBE FURTHER.
Captain Fear (St. Pete): You could start immediately. Like all Glazer family employees your pay would be delivered in spools of copper. Its worth on the open market offsets the inconvenience of selling.
Captain Fear (TAMPA): I know guy to help that! Is crackhead but totally reliable.
Market value. Armed guards. Opportunity recognized. Exploit. EXPLOIT! Sample resume. Created! Submitted.
Review. Comment. Respond.
Captain Fear (St. Pete.) Application submitted. You are now employed by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, pending delivery of contract via U.S. Mail.
Fax. WHY NOT? Explanation required. Pardon. [CALLS FIFTY RECRUITS IN 37 SECONDS]
Captain Fear (Tampa) : LOL THEY'RE OLD AND DON'T TRUST THE FAXES
RECALCULATING. Reverse. Offer refused. Gratitude. Expressed.
Captain Fear (St. Pete): Coach Kelly, I do believe that this is untoward behavior of an unprofessional manner.
Captain Fear (Tampa) Awwwwwwwwwww Ybor titties.
Searching. Cutting. Pasting. Words. "Thank you for a wonderful five years, Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I appreciate the support, but believe it is time to move on and return to my first love, the University of Oregon, where I have unfinished business."
CAPTAIN FEAR (ST. PETE) I...it's been two minutes, Coach Kelly.
In YOUR time. Perhaps. Recalculating. Dismissed.
Captain Fear (Tampa): Awww but our official flower is a chest x-ray and I was to give you one.