Please remember a few things going into this weekend, a big one for recruiting for schools everywhere.
FEEL FREE TO CONTACT RECRUITS ON TWITTER. You might think a recruit would be dissuaded by the kind of online contact from strangers, but to the contrary the young people of today enjoy repeated interactions on Twitter. For instance, Gunner Kiel received all kinds of positive attention on Twitter, and it really paid off for the universe in general!
- CHATROULETTE IS A GREAT WAY TO FIND RECRUITS. Don't go on there and look by name. Just keep "surfing" until you find someone you think is a recruit. They might have their pants off. Do not be alarmed: this is a common salutation on Chatroulette, and nothing to be alarmed at.
- DON'T GIVE YOUR RECRUIT CHOCOLATE! Unlike people, chocolate can kill recruits. Don't let them drink antifreeze, either! Unless it'll seal the deal! We don't know! Maybe?
LIMIT CASH GIFTS TO $1500 OR LESS. This is an IRS thing, really. Out of our hands. Do be sure to document each gift, however, and encourage recruits to show their good fortune on Facebook and other forms of social media.
PLEASE MAKE SURE ALL CARS DONATED ARE AMERICAN-MADE. Some of your programs are already on the pro-American bandwagon.
CHURCH DONATIONS ARE NOT TO BE DECLARED. Though a 10-15% tip to your pastor is considered standard operating procedure in these transactions.
- IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH A RECRUIT. Tell him he was really good at it, and pay him lots of compliments. Not because it will help him decide to come to your school, but because the beginning of a young man's sexual life is a very vulnerable time, and it's important to be supportive while helping him improve his skills as a lover. Men have feelings, too. (Especially in their penises.)
- HAVE FUN! Most of all remember this is supposed to be fun, even the part where you burn a recruit's uncle's car just to show how much you love your school.
Please enjoy your weekend, and the important art at Sterling Archer Draper Pryce.