A formal statement: we are not responsible for the content of this video, and for any damage this does to your soul. Your pressing play constitutes consent. Whatever happens afterward is your own fault. We take this journey alone. Come along at your own risk.
0:07: Oh. Oh no no no no. A fake country accent in the first seven seconds. That's on a lot of space shuttle manual decision trees that end with ABORT MISSION.
0:16: This is what Bubba Sparxx's feces sounds like if you put it on a turntable and let it spin.
0:28 More than four novelty bracelets on person ABORT COLUMBIA WE REPEAT ABORT HEAT TILES ARE FAILING--
Unfortunately, that is not a still image of this person being harpooned. It goes on.
0:58 "We're gonna head downtown/ there's so much to see." There the GRU power plant, five clubs all in the process of being renamed, closing, or opening, and a Subway. One bar is passable, and on the verge of closing, and then there are five to six chain restaurants of some sort. Oh, there's a bigass clock and a library chocked full of homeless people too. We just saved you the torture of a town tour with nu-metal Richard Blais there. You are welcome indeed.
1:03 NO. No. NOOOOOOOOOOO. No.
1:10 There really are only two redeeming things about this video.
The ongoing documentation of Florida's Pool Truck culture is one. The other are the production values, which are remarkably high given the Bubba Sparxx Poop Aria-quality of the song. This means they spent a lot of money on it, and are possibly in financial peril because of it. This would make us happy, because they deserve it.
1:58 ESTABLISHING SHOT FIVE OF "I KNOW BLACK PEOPLE AND AM AT EASE WITH THEM AND VICE VERSA"
Two minutes in. This man looks like Adam Richman after gastric bypass or chemo.
2:24 YET ANOTHER ESTABLISHING SHOT FIVE OF "I KNOW BLACK PEOPLE AND AM AT EASE WITH THEM AND VICE VERSA"
We at EDSBS honestly could not make it through the final minute, since we're certain there's a Sister Hazel cameo in there or something. We do not advise it, either, and only made it to the 2:25 mark before tapping out and turning on Bruce Hornsby's "Mandolin Rain" in order to cry out the sorrow this video made us feel deep in our wounded soul and body. DISAVOW IN ALL DIRECTIONS CHEAT CODE ENTERED.
(Thanks, Kegs and Eggs? We guess that's the word?)