OHIO STATE TAILBACK JAAMAL BERRY HAS A VERY BAD EVENING

We can't say for sure what happened to tailback Jaamal Berry last night to make him assault someone using "his hands, feet, [and] teeth," injuring a fellow student last night in a rolling tussle on the ground. We also can't assume things, like that his hands were enormous hammers, and that he was smashing imaginary snakes before falling asleep for 19 hours to regroup 

What we can say is that Berry might be out for a while for one reason or another after witnesses reported him in a condition that sounded far beyond anything we would consider lucid:

The primary witness is a university employee who declined to comment, but said in the police report that Berry was muttering things such as "I don't know what is going on around me."

The report said Berry "appeared confused and disoriented and was unable to tell me his name."

Whether it's Lyme disease, or what we usually plead--"nervous exhaustion"---we certainly hope Mr. Berry is okay, regardless of whether he ever returns to the Buckeye football team. Also, don't ever go to a Chili's after you hit the sherm, because that bottomless bowl of queso dip knows things about you, and won't hesitate to say them in Spanish with awkward, painfully truthful but slightly inaccurate English subtitles. Stop saying that about our relationship with our father, cheese dip. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.