A SAMPLE OF WEST VIRGINIA RADIO

Co-writing credit to the Nebraskan Mountaineer tailgate.

SCENE

A voice comes back on from commercial break.

Host: Welllllcome back to the Mountaineers Hotline. Tough week! Tough spot for the Mountaineers, facing the number one team in the nation, Bob.

Bob: Yup, felt like we had 'em there for a second.

Host. Yup, but LSU just pulled away there in the third quarter, and we're gonna have to learn from that.

Bob: Gotta learn. Gotta improve. Gotta get better as a team. Couldn't agree more.

Host: With that, let's go to the phones to hear what you had to think about the game. Todd in Beckley! You're on with Bob and the Hammer.

Todd in Beckley: Hey, thanks guys. I just wanted to say how proud I am of our boys. i thought we played hard. I thought we played smart in the second half. There's a bright future for Coach Holgorsen, who I think is a man of great intelligence and work ethic.

Bob: Couldn't agree more, Todd.

Todd in Beckley: I also want to say that if we don't start running the ball more, Bob, I'm going to kill your children. I have them in my shed out back. Now, don't panic: they're bound and gagged, but I left plenty of room for them to breathe.

Bob: I know you did, Todd. I know you.

 

Todd In Beckley: I know you do, and that's why you're my favorite host. But by God, we're gonna have to do something about this offense, Bob, and your children might have to be the ones who pay at the end of my knife.

Bob: I appreciate that, Todd, but I know Coach Holgorsen will get this figured out. You say hello to 'em fer me, will ya? 

Todd in Beckley: I certainly will, and Go 'Eers. 

Host: Thanks, Todd. He's always a good call.

Bob: Certainly is.

Host: Let's go to Steve in Nitro. Steve! You're on with Bob and the Hammer.

Steve from Nitro: Hey, guys. What do you think about this? I say we need to fire Jeff Casteel. We can't give up those kind of points on that kind of yardage. We just can't. 

Host: Now, I don't know about that Steve. After all, he's been loyal, and they played real well against a tough offense. 

Steve from Nitro: Well, that is true. You know what's also true?

Bob: What's that, Steve?

Steve from Nitro: It's also true that I'm looking at him right now, Bob. His head is in the crosshairs of my best hunting rifle. Big as a pumpkin. He'd never know what hit him. POP! Right in the apricot if I wanted to. He's a godfearing man, I know, a good Christian man. If he did perish by the barrel of my gun, or perhaps from a bayonet attached to the end of it, or even from the sudden bolt of my well-calibrated crossbow, I know I could walk away knowing he was going to be with our Lord in Heaven, and not in the devil's hands.

Host: That's considerate, Bob. Any other comments?

Steve from Nitro: Yeah, i just want to say Go Mountaineers, and also want to know if we're going to wear the yellow britches this Saturday. 

Bob: Far as I know it's a yellow britches day, Steve. 

Host: And let's get one more call in before the break....John! John in Morgantown, what's on your mind today.

John in Morgantown: Guys, thanks for taking my call. I just wanted to know what y'all thought about this. I've got Geno Smith and Tavon Austin on my Heisman lists, but they're gonna have to step it up if we're gonna win the Big East. D'yall agree with that?

Bob: Certainly do. Everyone's gonna have to play as hard as they possibly can.

John in Morgantown: I agree. Now what do y'all think about that? I've got Tavon Austin and Geno Smith in this locked, dingy bathroom.

Host: Okay.

John in Morgantown: And they're handcuffed to this pipe, with no keys and one saw between them.

Bob: Sure.

John in Morgantown: And I'm talking to 'em through one of those voice distorters, and tellin' them that if they want to get out of there, much as I love them both as Mountaineers, that one of them is gonna have to saw the other's leg off to earn their freedom.Just hypothetically speaking, how helpful would that be for our program?

Host: I don't think that would help anyone, John. 

Bob: Nope. Don't see that as doing much.

John in Morgantown: Thanks guys. Also, did I hear we were wearing the yellow britches? One more thing: be careful starting your cars tonight. You never know what's square, extremely explosive, and wired to your ignition after being stolen from a mining supply shed last Thursday night, boys.

Host: Again, yellow pants on Saturday for the Mountaineers, John, and we'll be careful.

John in Morgantown: Love your show, guys, and Go Mountaineers!

Host and Bob: GO MOUNTAINEERS.And now, a word from our sponsor.

Soft jazz plays. The tune is "Country Roads." 

AD: "Hi, I'm Bill Stewart. I've been locked in a dog cage for the past five months, but I still get outstanding cellphone service from Sprint no matter where my captors move me. Sprint! Clear reception even from the bottom of a cold cellar somewhere in the panhandle. Go Mountaineers!"

Soft jazz fades.