Sometimes luck smiles kindly on a sailor: you battle through a fierce storm, stare the raging sea in the face and laugh, or survive with an absence of proper rations. Other times, you're Tom O'Brien.
Gambling is much the same. Sometimes you win and you win big. Other times you just make shit up on the internet while listening to "Mandolin Rain" (not that I, uh, know anything about that). A brief survey of what was: last week's Herculean tag team effort by yours truly and Run Home Jack netted a 7-1 mark on actual bets (ok, so some of the 'actual' were more like actuaLOL but we're making the rules here; take your chips and go home if you disagree). As per usual, we were perfect on the Inception bets. If you disagree, watch out, because we can and will incept you. It's one of our many skills here at EDSBS. The season total for the "realness" is 16-8. Counting the for leisure purposes' leisure purposes ones, we're at 28-8. WE THE BESTTTTTTTT /lightsDJKhalidonfire.
It almost goes without saying at this point, but c'mon, y'all. If you're putting actual real people dollars on these, you deserve whatever comes your way. If you're going to gamble anything, it better be WillyBucks, and it better be in a place like this where truly anything goes:
Colorado vs Ohio State (-16.5) - 3:30 PM ET
Sure, my days of writing exclusively about the Buckeyes are but a thing of the past, but that doesn't mean I can't therapeutically encourage others to never bet on them, no matter how much Coach Tressel's threatening to waterboard you again. For what it's worth, The Vest was actually shockingly proficient against the spread and I suppose the same could be said for the Bro-in-Chief up to this point in his young career. That being said, this game is -- Oh shit. What's that? Oh god, no not again. Why it could only be our Admiral Ackbar/Antiquated Political News Aggregation Tool/7 alarm (one for each of C. James' "Heisman favorites") TRAP ALERT!!juan!one
Ohio State will be fortunate to put up 24 points given their offensive lull(z?) of late. Unless Jon Embree forces the Buffaloes to spend the night "sleeping" in the middle of I-71 a la "The Program", they should have every chance to, at worst, stay within 2 scores.
Bet: Colorado +16.5
Bet within a bet: Braxton Miller more attempts than Joe Bauserman? Miller. Ugh, Joe's the worst. Joe Bauserman is everything that is wrong with the paper football industry.
Bet within a bet within a bet: This game ultimately devolves to where it mostly resembles this (T/F):
Did Jesus not not tap?
Arkansas vs Alabama (-12.5) - 3:30 PM ET
Sure, CBS, etc. Uncle Verne and Aunt CBS' second husband Gary are wonderful and all but somehow this game just doesn't seem to have the luster the ordinary Saturday afternoon fare does. Odd especially considering that going into this season, many had Arkansas/Alabama lined up as a de facto SEC Championship Game play-in contest. And while I'm not sure Knile Davis' departure should really radically change too much of your perceptions of the Razorbacks, perhaps only defeating the likes of Troy by 10 may merrit it. As for 'Bama? Well, they're turned into Nick Saban's crimson panties version of Tresselball. Get the lead, play some D, then go all Sean Penn on a em-effer.
Bet: Arkansas +12.5. WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER? Sure we may be broke and homeless but...
Bet within a bet: Player to score 1st touchdown: A.J. McCarron 15/1. Hipsters always are into everything first, particularly end zones.
Bet within a bet within a bet: Nick Saban is taller than this trophy (T/F):
Push. There's literally no way to know unless the trophy stands up.
LSU vs West Virginia (+6) - 8:00 PM ET
The game that made Apocalypse Now reality. Spencer and I (and rumor has it Aunt Stabby) will be in attendance for what will surely be a sight to beholden. If anyone can find the Death Star that is John Chavis' Bayou Bengal defense's tiny imperfection, it's our lord & savior Dana Holgorsen. Jeff Casteel's 3-3-5 is criminally underrated to boot and given LSU's offense's sole purpose, you know, to put the defense in position to be successful, it's possible this one stays in the low teens.
Bet: LSU -6. LSU probably should be considered the #1 team in the country at this point and no matter how much Hoglo makes me giggle and roll around on my stomach like a baby, they'll likely continue their recent string of strong outings.
Bet within a bet: Field 5/1 (Anyone not named Alfred Blue, Andrew Buie, Geno Smith, Ivan McCartney, Jarrett Lee, Michael Ford, Odell Beckham, Rueben Randle, Spencer Ware, Stedman Bailey, Tavon Austin, and Vernard Roberts). I just really wanted to type out all those names is all.
Bet within a bet within a bet: When Holgo and Les meet at the 50 before or after the game to shake hand, this falls from the sky and crushes Jarrett Lee:
False. It will look more like a cowskull and they'll both get matching tattoos of it.
USC vs Arizona State (-1.5) - 10:15 PM
Because every great contest deserves a hilarious animated cartoon to get h.. ungry to after the main event. America's volcano golf cart jumper takes on Lane Kiffin, boy detective, USC keeps winning games despite not really putting together an entire four quarters of football while the Sun Devils come off a disappointing case of the [REDACTED] shingles during a season they've otherwise looked solid.
Bet: Arizona State -1.5.
Bet within a bet: Player to score 1st touchdown: Robert Woods 5/1. Matt Barkley has one bonafide target and one alone. He'll get SC out to a quick lead, but it will ultimately be for naught.
Bet within a bet within a bet: Lane Kiffin will totally get grounded for a week for swearing after the loss: T/F. True. Monty's a lax guy, but enough's enough.
It's just not fair, Dad.