America's least endearing glacial performance art enthusiasts, perhaps best known as the Big Ten sporting conference, are up to their old tricks again. Near misses, actual misses, and chicanery a plenty. The conference's power program for the better part of the last decade? A hollow, bro'd out shell of their former selves. The conference's newest card carrying member? As riveting as listening to a post-Police Sting record.
The only means to cope with it all? Study it. Analyze it. Remind ourselves why more than 6 hours or more of consumption per Saturday causes gout. For those who fail to study history, are doomed to repeat it. In glorious sepia tone, natch.
Michigan (3-0) - Defeated Mike Hart's Football Camp 31-3
For being the newest NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision team, Michigan is putting on quite the spectacle. A week removed from winning the first football game ever played by all 160 players completely on LSD, the team faced a team of noble spirited 7-10 year olds, overcame adversity, and pushed their record on the season to 3-0. Cuban refugee Denardo Robinson continues to distance himself from those demanding he prove his qualification to play pee wee league football quite literally due to the fast that none of the participating players nor their parents are able to catch him.
Pictured: Eastern Michigan asst. coach Mike Hart showing us how to play a football
Wholesomeness Index: 33%. While we admire their remarkable return to Division I football, no one (fully) respects a football team that defeats a group of (younger) children.
Penn State (2-1) - Defeated Temple 14-10
Galen Hall, maan. Sometimes you just gotta free the beast. 14 points? Like 14 points may seem insignificant to you, but on a large enough timeline, 14 is really, really insignificant. Just think about it.
Also: Penn State, you were almost Addazio'd. Kindly show yourselves out.
If you never stop waving goodbye, eventually, you'll wave hello again. *finger gunz*
Wholesomeness Index: I SAID GOOD DAY.
Iowa (2-1) - Defeated Pitt 31-27
It is absolutely conceivable that Iowa lost this contest so many times that somehow they came full circle to winning it. Pitt looked like they had this one in the bag, but instead, a plucky Kirk Ferentz bunch over exhausted a team not called Iowa for a change. James Vandenberg was able to turn down the seductive whipped cream laden Panthers to not only prove his old man wrong, but really find himself in the process.
Wholesomeness Index: 6%. This team's remarkable decline in patriotism is disturbing.
?????????? (?-?) - ?????? SE Missouri State ??-0
What is a Southeast Missouri State? Our finest minds think even our children's children's generation may never know.
Indiana (1-2) - beat South Carolina State 38-21
Our long national nightmare is over: Kevin Wilson has his first win as Indiana's head football coach. As for the game? Sure, it was "only" a 17 point win. Sure, Indiana at times looked every bit like they have the rest of this season (hint: clueless). But by golly, Alexander the Great didn't become Ron Prince of the Universe overnight.
Wholesomeness Index: 99%. The other 1% is ethanol.
Michigan State (2-1) - Lost to Notre Dame 13-31
Sparty, no. Sparty? No. Sparty know? Sparty no. Anytime Kirk Cousins passes the ball >=50 times, you will lose. You will probably lose badly. You will probably lose every bit of national respect you were desperately clinging on to in the process. Please never let Kirk Cousins ever throw that many times on my television ever again.
Wholesomeness Index: 30%. Kirk Cousins, man. Like, what the hell?
Minnesota (1-2) - Defeated Miami University 29-23
Legitimate, non-snarky congrats to Jerry Kill. Despite suffering what he called "the 20th+ seizure of his life" a week prior, Kill failed to skip a beat in returning to help Minnesota record their first victory on the season and his first as a BCS conference school head man.
As for the snark? Miami U gave up 334 total yards. To Marqueis Gray alone. May not have been a terrible idea to spy him, I hear he's a dual threat kind of QB. The Redhawks actually outgained the Gophers and as a matter of fact, limited their ineptitude on the afternoon to just one turnover. So why the 6 point loss? Jerry Kill killed the clock (/showsselfout). Okay, so not really, but the Gophers did have possession of the rock longer than the Redhawks did on the day. They also went for it on 4th down 4 times and got it 3. Jerry Kill's dark passenger may be in control yet.
Wholesomeness Index: 100%. Nice positive story in a conference that could probably use them.
Nebraska (3-0) - Defeated Washington 51-38
Nebraska looked Bill Nebrasky'ish at times, then ultimately came away with a 13 point victory that probably wasn't as close as that indicated. Credit where credit's due: Big Red avoided a second apathy loss to the Huskies in a 10 month period which frankly would've really been something.
Wholesomeness Index: 6%. Have you seen Taylor Martinez throw the ball? NSFW.
Wisconsin (3-0) - Defeated Northern Illinois 49-7
"Hey Dave Doeren. How's that Northern Illinois head coaching job working out for you? Yeah? Not too bad? Well, we've got this guy called Russell Wilson now. He's basically weaponized stereotypical Wisconsin QB play. Should you be worried? Weelllllll....."
Wholesomeness Index: 15%. Bret Bielema can be a real dick sometimes.
Northwestern (2-1) - Let freedom ring, 14-21
Wholesomeness Index: Infinity%. God bless the USA.
Illinois (3-0) - Defeated Arizona State 17-14
[COACH REDACTED] How do you do it? You come in with a plan. A plan usually so inept it leaves massive casualties in its wake. Inexplicably you find the one major conference in America who will let you re-engineer said plan over and over and over. And here we are again. Dennis Erickson tried to jump that volcano, and you were just like "Yeah? Watch me jet ski in it." Touché, sir. Touché.
Wholesomeness Index: 27%. No one quarterback should have all those nouns.
Ohio State (2-1) - Lost to Miami 6-24
This one hit a little too close to home. I would best describe it as this:
Wholesomeness Index: Say it with me now, "Luke -- You have too much to live for. Don't do it."