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VONTAZE BURFICT BURNED DOWN AN APARTMENT WITH HIS MIND

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POWER RANKINGS ARE UP OHHHHH SO MUCH POWER INCLUDING HUGH JACKMAN RATINGS. DID WE JUST COMPLIMENT ANOTHER MAN'S TRAPS? DAMN RIGHT WE DID THEY ARE A GODDAMN WORK OF ART IN WOLVERINE AND THIS IS FACT.

Believe what the government tells you, sure. Those scanners at the airport don't broadcast nude pictures to the TSA people working. No, it's so much worse: they actually only detect small penises and huge vaginas, and beep a signal that only TSA people and dogs can hear to alert everyone over to look at your naked body. You will know if the TSA is mocking your genitals by using one easy tip-off: if they are laughing at you, someone will wave you through the machine rather than letting you finish the process by itself.

You can also believe that the government didn't create a pyrokinetic killer robot in 1990, but consider these facts.

  • Vontaze Burfict set his own apartment on fire at the age of 3, and "barely survived."
  • Vontaze Burfict survived a massive automobile crash that would have killed others at the age of 18
  • Vontaze Burfict routinely survives head on collisions with offensive linemen, but often knocks them backward and howling in pain despite giving sixty to eighty pounds in the collision. 

The obvious conclusion is that with all of these being totally true, and with Arizona State giving no interviews for the linebacker, we can only conclude that Vontaze Burfict is a killing robot* who can conjure fire with his mind. He does not have full control of it, mind you, and that is why Dennis Erickson now wears a protective film of fireproof jelly and an asbestos tracksuit at all times. Dennis Erickson wore that anyway, mind you, but now it's for a really good reason. 

*Burfict will step onto the scale at the NFL combine and weigh 450 pounds. Damn you and your cover-blowing heft, adamantium skeleton.