In this week's edition of Between the Synapses, we examine the brainwaves of one of the vigilant officials assigned to the Florida-Tennessee game.
Jiminy Christmas, I sure am glad Joanne bought me these fancy new ear-bugs for my Discman - I can't even imagine what this fella is screamin' about anyways. Ain't my fault Supercuts gave you that little boy's hairstyle, coach! You keep hollerin', and I'll just turn up the volume.
(he turns the treble up to 10)
Ooooooo-wee that Amy Grant has some chops! I wish she and the Judds would get together and cut a holiday record. Can you imagine that? People would line up around the block at the Sam Goody waitin' for a copy of that! "Amy, Naomi, and Wynona - Magic Boxes" might be my best doggone idea yet. Gotta have Joanne write that letter for me. She'll know just ho - oh, horse apples. Discman's skippin like a skinny girl playin double dutch! I bet that new field judge Ronnie can fix this. He's young, and young folks know all about nanotechnology and what not. Dangit, look this way, Ronnie!(our subject tosses a flag at Ronnie, which hits him in the calf)
Sheesh, those guys sure were steamed. I admit, maybe that wasn't the best way to get Ronnie's attention, but a broken Discman can make you act all looney tunes! Handled it smooth as banana pudding, though - "oh, yeah, I got pass interference on the safety, big time!" It's just like Joanne told me: speak with confidence and it don't matter if you're right or if you're wrong.
In fact, I'm gonna remember that at our next officiatin' meetin. I got some thoughts, y'all, thoughts about field goals. Why is every field goal worth three points? Seems to me if you're kicking from the 35, you didn't really make it very far down the field, now did ya, son? I gotta give you the same reward as the team who puts in the work to drive down to the ten and kick it? The h-e-double hockey sticks I do! We should make field goals from outside the twenty worth two points and a disappointed look. Yeah, Joanne can help me put together a real slick Powerp - DEAR LORD A VENOMOUS ASP!
(he flings his flag at what is, in fact, a Quaker Chewy wrapper, and not a poisonous snake)
Ohhhhh you done done it now, self. That silky-haired fella 'cross the field is not happy. Face is almost brighter than them orange pants. But my job is to keep everybody safe, dangit, and this is GAINESVILLE. No tellin' what kind of varmints runnin free in these parts. I heard Spurrier comes down here every spring to hunt muskrats. Somethin' about their "rare and luxurious pelt coloring."
Great, now the doggone fans are booin' and chantin' cusses. Wish I could flag y'all for unnecessary sass-mouth! You know what? I aim to do just that.
(After a lengthy debate, the officials call an illegal motion penalty on Tennessee and a chop block on Florida, even though the game is in a TV timeout before a kickoff.)