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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 9/12/2011

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LAWRENCE WRIGHT WELCOMES YOU TO THAT MOST SPECIAL OF WEEKS. So welcome to that most special of weeks: one involving a stat-freaky quarterback clad in ass-tangerine orange and white coming to the hostile environs of The Swamp with a full head of steam and the quiet confidence of a hopeful fanbase behind him.

Ahhh, history. You aren't very creative, and sometimes we like it that way.

This is Hate Week, aka the run-up to the Florida/Tennessee game. We welcome our hilljack brethren, lumpen with corn syrup and the odd injuries and scars that result from a lifetime of scraping together forest leavings for food. How you manage astronomical scores for both obesity and food insecurity we'll never know, Tennessee, but our best guess involves hijacking trucks full of honey buns to feed your families. We actually wish we were making that last part up, but seriously, subsistence hunting is on the rise in the mountains of East Tennessee according to some public health people we know. THE ROAD IS REAL AND IT WEARS A POWER T Y'ALL. #DerekDooleyWithAGroceryCart

CAMERA SPINS. MARIJUANA SMOKE IN A BASEMENT. ""I beat Steve Spurrier twice in a year coaching football." KELSO: "BUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRNNN!!!!" Mila Kunis: "You have no idea who unweird it will seem in ten years that I am considered the more attractive commodity of the two female leads in this show." Topher Grace: "I'm a spider man."

IF OKLAHOMA IS NUMBER ONE THIS MEANS NO ONE HAS A CLUE WHAT IS GOING ON YET. Not because Oklahoma isn't a very good football team, but mostly because like investors flooding the bonds and commodity markets during a time of instability AP Top 25 voters just want something really safe-seeming and familiar.  Another interesting poll note: Boise's continued ride at the four spot despite some potential devaluation in Georgia starting out the year 0-2. Over the year, should voters want to bump Boise down for promising teams coming on late, they've already got this and the weak schedule argument to grease their descent in favor of one-loss BCS teams. (It would be a sign of some serious program rating growth if voters didn't do this, but old habits die only when you brain them with the heaviest of shovels.)

REGARDING SCHEDULES. We mean, yeah, Brian Kelly has a point...

"Again, as you see the schedule, Ohio State is playing Toledo. I mean, teams are playing easy games early on in the schedule. We don’t get that luxury. We have to go play in front of 115,000 [at Michigan Stadium]. Those mistakes are more glaring against opponents that are physically pretty good, as well.

...but there is the matter of Michigan not really being that much better than Toledo at this point, and that yes, Ohio State beat Toledo. (Not in any fashion that didn't terrify every Ohio State fan watching, but ask an Auburn fan: THAT SCOREBOARD SAYS WIN, DON'T IT?)  Notre Dame has committed five redzone turnovers in two games. This is the hallmark of a team that, in a former lifetime,  was an army that shot the infants of their enemies over the city walls in trebuchets, and it now paying for it with lifetimes of agony. (Genghis Lou: "Ifth they hit the ground and bounth, take 'em home with uth and call 'em our own!")  (Via.)

PAIN. Perhaps you stopped watching the Alabama/Penn State game after two quarters because you know what was going to happen after watching eight or nine offensive plays by Penn State? You were fortunate, because Penn State fans had to watch the whole thing, and they had the same reaction you had. Alabama fans, meanwhile, quite enjoy their ugly three hour public strangulations.

INJURIES: Tyler Wilson, concussionish but recovering in the leadup to Arkansas' game with Troy; Devin Smith, Wisconsin starting corner, out indefinitely with an ankle injury; Jeff Demps and Jordan Reed, ding-y with shoulder and hamstring, respectively.

KILL KILL KILL: He's fine, and feeling better after his on-field seizure Saturday.

ETC: This is so what happens when you score first on Alabama's defense right now with a measly field goal.