Joe Paterno suffered a hairline fracture of his pelvis and shoulder this weekend in practice, the victim of a blindside run-in with 5'7", 157 pound WR Devon Smith. The fractures require no surgery, but undoubtedly hurt like hell and will be yet another physical ailment for the 182 year old coach to grin and bear going into the 2011 season. As Sports By Brooks said: "WHY IS JOE PATERNO HIDING THE DETAILS OF HIS OWN ASSAULT?" [picture with arrows]
There were no details about protection specifically designed for Paterno, or whether Devon Smith managed to weave through bodyguards charged with protecting the Penn State coach. Given the pattern, though, we have no choice but to assume Penn State continues to provide inadequate institutional security for the coach. Thus EDSBS, as a public service, will fill in the gaps that those in State College Pennsylvania refuse to, and provide solid, reasonable proposals for the protection of our greatest living coach and national football treasure.
1. TERRARIUM
We'd make sure he had everything he needed: food, water, and even a little toy castle in there he could call his own.
Oh, maybe we could get him his own retro deep sea diver, too! Please, don't mock the man with memories of his childhood spent scraping mussels off the hull of the U.S.S. Monitor. Fish secretly loathe those little bubbling bastards, and so does Joe Paterno. The clear plexiglass allows him to send in plays, and provides a warm, comfortable environment even on the coldest of days.
2. PROTECTIVE BUBBLE
The bubble has its advantages. Like a hamster in a plastic ball, Paterno will possess full mobility, albeit one that makes a really annoying crinkling noise as he walks. It could get really muggy in there, too, so he'll have to wear one of those baseball caps with the built in fan or something. <---BTN SPONSORSHIP IDEA HELLO ROTEL HAT
3. A REALLY HUGE HAND
Jadevon Clowney cannot assume this role, so someone else with a Frost Giant-sized physique will have to stand in, sit like a bored schoolchild on the lip of Beaver Stadium, and manually pluck Joe Pa out of the way of any impending harm. If you have a giant hand, or know someone with a giant hand capable of picking up Joe Paterno, please contact Jay Paterno immediately via Twitter.