We are awful and awfully busy people, so somehow we've gotten to the end of the week with a ton of things to do at the end of the week, all of them NOT named The Digital Viking. For that we apologize, and only blame pesky summer schedules and the usual incompetence. Never say we aren't consistent.
As a palliative, please note this:
...and then note a few of the things the EDSBS staff think an anonymous Saban might reverse-troll Cecil Hurt with if he indeed does plan to execute #SABANGAZE2K11:
"Jimbo Fischer loves to be tickled but breaks out in hives every time it happens."
"Coaches don't trust the qbs. Instead, we're just gonna run the Wildcat with William Vlachos this year."
"Saban's really more of a mustard sauce guy."
"The coaching staff is really concerned that at the pace they're going, Florida might score 9 points this year against the defense."
"Kirby Smart's got IBS. Sitting with him in a film room is like scuba diving with an oxygen tank filled with curry farts. God forbid he even looked at a chickpea the night before."
"The trainers say Trent Richardson's knees bend backwards like the ankles of a heron."
"Kenny Stabler's been sleeping in the empty cold tub in the training room for the past three months."
"Bama figures they'll just focusing on defending Phil Lutzenkirchen, and the rest will take care of itself."
"Greg McElroy's failure to be named a Rhodes scholar automatically gives him an extra year of eligibility. He will start at middle linebacker."
"North Texas is a sleeping juggernaut. Dan McCarney spent the last 6 months sleeping in the dumpster behind Nick Saban's place and is privy to the team's innermost workings."
"I hear Auburn's paying players."
"Derek Dooley wears such nice suits and long-sleeve shirts in order to hide the full body suit of Russian prison tattoos."
"Saban got a personal note from Jesus Christ asking him to let Tim Tebow win the 2009 SEC Championship game. He has it framed next to a real chunk of Tommy Tuberville's scalp on his wall."
"Mark Ingram's dad is joining the program as director of player wire fraud."
"If the Alouettes come calling, I've heard Saban can't say 'non.'"
"There are pictures of Nick Saban and Derek Dooley consummating their relationship in Mike the Tigers' cage. However, these pictures are unknowingly rubber cemented to Will Muschamp's taint."
"Stacy Searels makes great top shelf margaritas but won't drink in front of people."
"Eli Gold played drums on Under The Table And Dreaming, but had to quit the band because of walking lupus."
"Major Applewhite was summarily run out of town for having a tail."
"A.J. McCarron sort of thinks Pavement sucks."
"Our number one recruiting pitch, actually? Tempur-pedic pillows. It seems simple, but they go insane for them."
"Julio Jones was never fully able to gain the respective of his teammates for sleeping in Spider Man pajamas but not knowing all of the words to the original 1960's cartoon theme song."
"Jim McIlwain is actually an eight year old playing NCAA from his house in Cullman, Alabama. He has no idea he is calling our plays."
"Nick Saban let Gene Chizik spit in his mouth after least year's Iron Bowl. It was only fair."
"Spider monkeys have always played a critical role in Alabama's defenses but you probably wouldn't understand."
"Saban's seen Louie. He doesn't really think Louis C.K. is funny."
"The coaching staff just recruited and played Angry Birds the entire week leading up to Penn State last year. Same plan this year, FWIW."
"The pregame montage this year is film of Mike Dubose banging his secretary on Bear Bryant's desk. It's very moving."
"Nick Saban supports equality for homosexuals but is a staunch opponent of gay rights. You figure it out."
"Brady Hoke is illiterate. Don't tell anyone."
"Duron Carter is bored by undergraduate level classwork but unfortunately Alabama fails to offer the Ivy League challenge his mind necessitates."
"Mark Barron is the great great grandson of the Red Baron. That's why he appears whenever a lonely fat lady makes a pizza late at night."
"Dont'a Hightower faxed in a life-sized picture of his penis as his signature for his LOI. We ran out of paper. Twice."
"We're selling the rights to the stadium. Bryant's Hot Dog-Denny's Stadium opens in 2012."
"Eddie Lacy enjoys nothing more than a bubble bath, a glass of cabernet sauvignon, and John Tesh's podcast to wind down from a tough afternoon of two-a-days."
"DeMarcus Millner knew how to resolve the debt ceiling controversy but though it was funnier to just play PS3 instead."
"Jesse Williams isn't from Australia, and is actually just a big, shy Jewish dude named Maury Green from Chicago."
"Josh Chapman knows where Craig James allegedly hid the 5 hookers but won't reveal it in order to win a tontine."
"Damion Square failed geometry twice in high school. #irony"
"Cody Mandell is actually a bald middle aged failed comedian."
"Phillip Ely is seriously considering quitting football in order to pursue a legal career after finishing Season 1 of 'Franklin & Bash'"
"Paul Finebaum has diving weights sewn into his pants to keep him from being blown away in a stiff breeze."
'Tammy' has been Nick Saban's elaborate 'Big Mamma's House'-inspired character piece. He's just waiting for a producer, and he's outta here."
"His handpicked successor for the job is Dave Shula."
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