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Shhhhh. Don't ask where we got this pudding. Just know that you'll be fed it again in 2014. Awwwwwwww yeahhhhhhhhh. [sexy dance]
Shhhhh. Don't ask where we got this pudding. Just know that you'll be fed it again in 2014. Awwwwwwww yeahhhhhhhhh. [sexy dance]

After a three year stint in relegation, EDSBS is thrilled to officially welcome the University of Michigan back to Division One football. It's been a long, hard climb back to the APL, but we always knew you'd make it back given Michigan's long tradition of football success, organizational commitment to excellence, and daily, unsubtle telephoned threats of bodily harm to Dave Brandon made through a voice distorter that sounded a lot like Jim Delany.

As a celebration of the Wolverines' return, Dave Brandon splurged and scheduled a delicious cupcake game for Brady Hoke's scholar-athletes and MANBALL enthusiasts. He didn't just go to the bargain bin of directional Michigans, however. No, this one's different: a hint of hemp, a bit of moonshine, and a bit that country ham? Why, we never thought that would work  with a chocolate cupcake, but we'll be damned if it isn't insanely tasty. Also, we're pretty sure these have weed in them, and why does this taste familiar--

The University of Michigan football program will open the 2014 season with a match-up against Appalachian State University on Aug. 30 at Michigan Stadium.

This works out so well for Michigan. If they wallop App State, they do what they were supposed to with no added bonus. if they eke out a win, there's little vengeance, because "Hey, eight year old who kicked my middle school ass, WHO'S LAUGHING NOW THAT YOU'RE NINE AND I'M, UM, STILL IN MIDDLE SCHOOL." And if they somehow lose, they lose to Appalachian State twice, and we can all agree it would be very weird to see both Mark Dantonio and Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer attempting to smile a human smile at the same time, wouldn't it? Yes, yes it would.

No matter what happens, greater glory is paid the lowest point in the history of the Michigan football program in exchange for national television exposure. This is Michigan football becoming a celebrity rehab patient. This is Michigan's amateur sex tape that no one wants to buy. We're beginning to think Dave Brandon is not a very smart person. We're beginning to also think this will all end with this Michigan team losing this game in 2014, and then beating Florida in the 2015 Outback Bowl. 

In conclusion: welcome back to Division One football, Michigan, and Dave Brandon and every other rich person became a millionaire by accident.