The new Cy-Hawk Trophy celebrating the rivalry between Iowa and Iowa State was unveiled at the Iowa State fair, and underwhelming just retired in favor of this pewter horror. Please marvel, and then give us exactly five minutes to ridicule the living daylights out of it.
"Please, midget Hitler in a baseball cap. Take this corn as an offering of our fealty."
"In case of a tornado, son, throw this corn at it. You'll still die, but at least you'll do something funny on the way out."
Dad: "Meet your new puppy, son."
Mom [sotto voce] : "Father's been drinking. Pet the puppy, son."
Son: Good doggy.
"In case of tornado, throw corn at it. It won't help you, but it's funny."
"This ear represents the ear I lost in Iraq."
"You were never in Iraq, and you have both of your ears."
"The indians called it 'maize', son."
"Despite our differences, I think we, the people of Iowa, can find peace with you, the Children of the Corn"
"I give you corn, son."
"Fuck you, dad. Fuck you so hard right now."
"They can take our home, but they can't take this cast iron corn I've been manufacturing."
"If you don't feed Ferentz corn before midnight he retards back into a 9 year old boy. It's a gift and a curse being the high-fructose Benjamin Button of the plains."
"Gene Chizik still sucks. You shove this up his ass and tell him that for me, son. If you love me, you'll do that for me."
"DUis are very serious, but cops in Iowa can be bribed with this."
"Honus Wagner didn't love much else besides baseball. But poisoning children with strychnine-laced corn had a special place in his heart."
"Fuck a ham sandwich. Corn Rules Everything Around Me, ya heard?" --Meth-od Man
"Take this corn back to the people on your tiny train, conductor. Sing the praises of Iowa in Microlandia."
"If I were the Iowa strength coach, this corn would represent a crippling case of rhabdomyolysis."
"Dan McCarney? They don't have those where we're going, boy."
"Would you have a seat please? In this transcript you told our decoy you'd 'put your corn cob where the sun don't shine'? What were you thinking?"
"This is what the land gave us, and what we will give to the American south in the form of fried corn chips sucked down by the shovelful at Chili's and converted into heinous obesity. That obesity is converted into expensive medical procedures, gym memberships, gigantic underwear, pricey plus-sized clothing, reinforced toilet seats, and a thousand other elements of our fat-based economy. Either that, or we feed it to hogs. It's very important both ways, I reckon."
"Coach Saban, please accept this gift of corn from the people of Iowa."