Boardmaster Brian took a moment out of his meeting at the Society of Porn Film Rejects (too large) to commiserate with fellow rejectee Reggie Nelson and make you this special TWO MINUTE WARNING BOARD for the final two weeks of the Fulmer Cup. Updates, clarifications, and desperate pleas for someone to come close to preventing Auburn from getting the Switzer Double of winning both the BCS Title and the Fulmer Cup in the same year.
THE TWO MINUTE WARNING HAS SOUNDED. Two weeks remain in the Fulmer Cup season, and the fifty-nine point gulf between Auburn and the rest of college football as we know it stands. At this point, we'd need something super dramatic to happen. A mail fraud ring of such intensity as to make a program indistinguishable from organized crime? That might do it, and we're looking at you, Arizona, to make it happen. (We have no idea why, it's just that Arizona feels like a mail fraud kind of university.)
Short of that, RICO charges, or a player driving driving a garbage truck over a beach full of unsuspecting sunbathers, or a coach committing an act of domestic terrorism (/eyes Bo Pelini) there's no reason to think Auburn hasn't got this in the bag. Short of taking cold comfort in Drew suggesting that Auburn fans believe in colon conception, there is no relief from their dominance. (Even their trees will likely survive applications of HATERZade. Damn you, Auburn. Damn you to hell or Southeast Alabama.)
HEY DOES MIAMI GET POINTS FOR THIS? No. Miami gets nothing for the Yachthookergate because no one has been charged with anything besides Shapiro, and him not being a football player for the University of Miami presents a serious roadblock towards us including him in any of this. Did illegal things happen? Unless prostitution has been legalized in the state of Florida, then yes, but no charges equal no points.
But wouldn't it be fun if we tried? Go right ahead. Let's see: that's "the number of times a college-aged athlete in the prime of his sex life would want to have sex with a Miami hooker" times let's see, maybe a quarter of the players, so 15 times three years each of average access, and...well, that's A BILLION FULMER CUP POINTS. Glad we could settle that by not doing the math at all, because it didn't exist and never will.
OREGON STATE. Four minor in possession charges for football players. YOU CALL THIS COMPETITION OREGON STATE? Let's see some zazz, some sizzle, like at least some illegal fireworks in the apartment or something. FIVE POINTS are awarded for four misdemeanor charges and one bonus point for refusing to answer the door. Shhhh. If you pretend you're not here the cops will go away.
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