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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 8/16/2011

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THIS BOY'S BORN TO BE A BUREAUCRAT. Theme music first, please.

Got that playing? Superb. Now we review the two important pieces of information about the NCAA that emerged in the past 24 hours. The first: ALL YOUR SPREADS ARE BELONG TO US.

"(h) Fruit, Nuts and Bagels. An institution may provide fruit, nuts and bagels [including bagel spreads (e.g., butter, peanut butter, jelly, cream cheese)] to a student-athlete at any time. ... Estimated Budget Impact: Will vary by amounts and types of spreads provided."

(Larger quote via.) The NCAA has very specific guidelines for what programs can provide their players, and this may not be the most laughable since there is a provision in the rules that effectively renders steak as a performance-enhancing drug. (Which it is, but that's devastating to our point, and will be discarded in favor of the argument in progress.) If almond butter is banned we're gonna be pissed, because that is blatant discrimination against the hipster football recruit. The NCAA is the world's worst homeowner's association. Please stop paying your dues, and put the above-ground pool in the front yard where they can see exactly how little of a fuck you give, member schools.

Second, the NCAA's head, Mark Emmert, casually mentioned the possibility of something that sounded a lot like a road to collusion in public. All in all, another banner day for the world's largest random bureaucracy in charge of a billion dollar basketball tournament and institutional bagel spread control.

SO HEY WHAT'S UP WITH A&M AND THAT WHOLE THING. Nothing that wasn't going on at eight p.m. last night. A&M has given their President, Snuffy T. Walruscolonel, the authority to handle a potential conference move. Nothing will happen quickly is a phrase you will hear a lot today in order to calm everyone down. This being firmly in the court of PR professionals and lawyers now, we assume that means that A&M will be in the conference sometime around three p.m. today, because everything you will hear until the announcement will be polite lies told in service of organizational politics. 

AL GOLDEN KNOWS AS MUCH ABOUT THIS AS YOU DO. No really, you and the current coach of Miami are pretty much even Steven as far as information regarding Nevin Shapiro's contact with Miami players that could have resulted in some yacht-related prohibited benefits. The Seventh Floor has some measured words for Mr. Shapiro, and by that we mean they measured out three feet worth of broadsword and then chopped his head off with it.

DANA HOLGORSEN IS REFRESHINGLY HONEST, CHAPTER 72, VERSE 819. Dana Holgorsen, demystifying football one blunt statement at a time.

"Game two, Norfolk State, I don't know what they do on defense. And I really don't care right now. I'll figure that out a week before we play them,'' he said.

Team Speed Kills reader ALDuck wonders out loud whether West Virginia is the 14th team, and puts together a fairly compelling case as to why. Our case begins with "Dana Holgorsen coaching against Nick Saban in the SEC," and we haven't gotten much past that and don't particularly care to, really.

HALLO CONTRADICTORY OREGON. Bill's preview of Oregon takes a look at the statistics the Ducks put up, scratches its head, and then just flips a coin because look at those divergent stats and die trying to predict anything that's going to happen with them.

MIKE STOOPS IS BOB STOOPS' STAND-IN. If you can't get the man, well, get his brother? That would be the only explanation.

IN ENCOURAGING NEWS. Danny Wuerffel is scheduled to play golf in a Desire Street Ministries fundraiser, so his recovery from Guillain-Barre Syndrome must be going well.

WE LIKE TO THINK OF HIM AS JOHN BRANTLEY, BUT WITH COMPETITION. Alas, poor Garrett.

ETC. I LOVE YOU HONEY SO HERE'S A BOULDER.