Frontload all of this with a load of positive assertions, like "playing quarterback is hard," and "You're born with the name you have, and that's all you can do," and "even as a quarterback at a basketball school he will still get more sexual pleasure in his life than Tim Brando masturbating alone in a hall of mirrors."
Say all this, and also admit the absurdity of your own name. For instance, our first name means "servant," so in effect we were born with a butler's nametag on at all times. That would be exceedingly misleading unless you're looking for one of those tipsy, negligent butlers who takes their employers' DUIs for them in exchange for open access to the brandy cabinet and a blind eye turned towards afternoon rendezvous with needy middle-aged maids in the pantry. If that's the kind of servant you want, then servant it will be, sir.
With that out of the way, UNC's starting quarterback this year is named "Bryn Renner," simultaneously the most UNC name ever, and also an unfair justification for the UNC coaching staff to fire giant inflatable balls at him. Bryn Renner is terrified of giant inflatable balls, and the staff knows this, and college sports is hell, guys. Just total hell.
MAKE IT STOP GUYS--
Bryn Renner doesn't sound like a quarterback at any level but the Ivy League. Instead, he sounds like any or all of the following things that do not involve throwing 2 yard passes in the Run 'n Shoop offense:
- Zooey hadn't slept with Steven in 6 days, quite a departure from their usual routine. She came home unexpectedly late one evening and tore his clothes off ravaging him. As they finished she embraced him tightly and puzzlingly whispered in his ear "Bryn Renner."
- CiA operatives in Yemen used a shell company by the name of "Bryn Renner" Later, informants revealed that local militants knew the company was a shell along because, according to translators, "LOL Bryn Renner that's not a real name."