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AUGUST WHIMSY: THE FUTURE OF SPORT IS WHATEVER THIS IS

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We have the superflu, you might have heard, and are whiling away our days of guest room quarantine by determining the future of sport, to tide us over until FutureSport becomes reality. And though we had never heard of "low impact rebound sport shoes" until we saw this unspeakably jaunty video, we think we've found the future ... today:

"You can use them indoors, or outdoors on paved roads, dirt paths, grass, sidewalks, at the beach or even on snow." All right, those last two are sort of hard to believe, but the ingredients for a new American Pastime are here: Ladies! Bouncing! One thickbro graciously allowed to participate and equally graciously kinda hidden at the back of the formation so you can't really tell he's not all that flexible! All that's missing is the addition of deadly weapons that would make Kangoo Fight the world's most formidable contact sport. We're envisioning a five-event competition, like rhythmic gymnastics, featuring bullwhips, morningstars, flaming torches, a tire run, and single combat on a giant trampoline. The undisputed champion is the last bro or chickbro standing with both ACLs intact.