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BREAKING NEWS. If you've seen this--


--then you're undoubtedly panicking over the possibility of a college football cosmos without the Red Giant Schnelly beaming his all-healing light across the galaxy. As ominous as this may seem, EDSBS HAS LEARNED that Schnellenberger's plans are less ominous and more outrageous than ever.

  1. Schnellenberger will coach both Ohio State and UNC next year in a audacious bid to establish himself as the greatest program builder in the history of college football. When asked which team he plans to take to a national championship, Schnellenberger's answer was short and simple: "Both."
  2. Schnellenberger will solve the problem of coaching in two places at once by cloning himself, or doing the closest thing to cloning himself. He will hire a "DoppelSchnelly" to play him when he is out of town coaching at the other school. The DoppelSchnelly will wear an earpiece linked to a microphone and headset Schnellenberger will wear at all times, and simply repeat what he says when needed. The remaining time will be spent clapping and wearing custom-tailored clothing.
  3. The leading candidate for this position is newly unemployed former comedian George Lopez. "It sounds crazy, but I'm sure George can pull this off," said Schnellenberger from the helm of his catamaran The Lewd Lass From Laughing Limerick. "You can do a lot with suits, wigs, and whiteface, gentlemen."

That is all true and not fiction, and he is not announcing his impending retirement and you shut up WE SAID YOU SHUT UP.

[weeps behind closed doors for lost worlds and sad discarded cummerbunds of the past.]