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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 7/8/2011

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On a plane to Oklahoma, thus OMG EARLY INDEX.

AND MORGAN FREEMAN SLAPS HIMSELF AND SAYS "THAT IS WHAT I SHOULD HAVE GONE FOR WITH THE WHOLE GOD THING DAMMIT--"

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This is best of all things American in a single image and you cannot debate this point. If you look at his eyes long enough, the Key Lime Pie begins to vibrate; stare for five minutes or longer, and it will being tapdancing. Howard's Facebook album also includes this, a cryptic message we interpret as "This is my new defensive coordinator for 2011, and you will have to deal with it, Oklahoma fans." Schnellenberger is currently the coach at Florida Atlantic University, and doesn't care, Oklahoma fans. You'll still have to deal with it.

CLIFF HARRIS IS A LARGE CONTRIBUTOR TO THE STATE OF OREGON'S GENERAL FUND FOR OREGON STUFF. Cliff Harris, the Oregon cornerback arrested for speeding at over 100 mph this offseason, has been sent to collections for four different late traffic-violation type fines, and owes a total of $8500 in citations. If Harris would like to pay these off, he could just suggest to Oregon that it constituted a recruiting service for saying future nice things about his current school to incoming prospects, and then a check and handwritten note from Chip Kelly would pop up in the mailbox. (Then we could call Harris a "street cornerback," since anyone who deals with schools and gets a burn notice put out on them gets the dreaded "street" tag applied to them.)

ASSEMBLING A STAFF WITH THE LARGEST TRAPS PER CAPITA OF ANY FOOTBALL STAFF EVER.

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BRO. C-Bus, chicks, and shrugs. That's what I'M talkin' about, man. Come on back to Franklin County and rub some of that Belichick shit on us and we'll be golden. Promise. Plus these college girls OH MAN IT'S GONNA BE SO NICE. You'll have so many sweatshirts and scrunchies on your floor you'll swear a sorority house had been raptured in your bedroom.

[flexes]

[yells]

TEAAAAAAAAM LESNAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!! I'll even throw in this sweet poster. This octagon is sponsored by victory in every corner. Just lettin' you know. It's the supplement that never stops working.

GOOD LUCK SWEET TRANSFERRING PRINCE. Apparently Hawaii is still theoretically an option for Tate Forcier, and that's good because it's hard to be a helicopter parent when no vehicle in that category has the range to fly from California to the Hawaiian Islands.

WE WOULD ACTUALLY TAKE A SUCCESSFUL SEASON CAPPED BY CRAPPING OUT IN THE FINALS. If the Florida "Big Three" are actually numbering themselves in a sequence honoring the Big Three of the Miami Heat, that's fine as long as none of them play a.) like Chris Bosh at any time, and b.) like LeBron James in a game that really matters.

WHERE HIPPIES ONCE SKYCRAPPED NOW THERE IS PEACE. Rest easy, Dumpster Muffin: the trees will slowly return to the site of Cal's Great Tree Fiasco now that the Cal football facility's excavation is complete and in the "fixing all the shit we had to move around on a fault line" stage of things.

COUNTRY BLACK DUDES FROM THE '70s ARE THE BEST. The Leroy Selmon look is so awesome, but when you see it replicated across a whole team, yeah, someone's getting pregnant just from the style germinating the air and everything around it.

WE WEREN'T FANS OF TILT-SHIFT PHOTOGRAPHY BEFORE, BUT: Suddenly we're coming around to the whole concept.

YOUR DISRESPECT OF THE MAC IS GALLING, SIR. EA will now have to issue a snarky roster update listing both players as "LOLMAC Whatever" and "Future AFL Player #45."