LES MILES WANDERS THE LANDSCAPE LOOKING FOR FOOD WITHOUT NAME

This SEC coaches survey on ESPN is astonishing because it was not written by grad assistants or secretaries, and appears to be the coaches in their own words. You don't look surprised or happy enough about this, so we'll rephrase slightly: Les Miles talking in his own words about his dining habits. 

Miles: I will occasionally get excited to taste a rib joint in some distant area with a mustard sauce, just if I can get to it. Sometimes there's a seafood joint on the ocean that's got a great view, and if I happen to go by there, and I can get crab cakes or something like that, I'll do that. But there's no specific spot.

Read the other coaches' quotes and you will quickly recognize that Les Miles as a prose stylist is his own genius who emerged from the womb innately blessed with his own voice. We're kind of serious here: he's like Cormac McCarthy without the serotonin disorder and five dollar verbiage. Just look at that sentence, and you'll get the full impact of Les Miles' worldview in a single graf: him, wandering from town to town like a happily misplaced labrador, following scents and tastes where they lead him: a rib joint here, a seafood joint here, maybe just eating a half-devoured cheeseburger off the sidewalk if it pleases him. Also, he has no idea where he is, ever, and he's fine with that. (Grass Meridian: coming this fall from Harper/Collins!)

The topics vary wildly, but the implications are clear. Spurrier's answers show that he's feeling optimistic about South Carolina. We know this because Lucifer Spurrier answers this question about the best dressed coach in the league.

Spurrier: (We didn't say "conference.") Well, it used to be [Jim] Tressel. (Laughs.)

HAHAHAHAHA THAT GUY LOST HIS JOB CLICK CLACK. Luv u, DevilCoach. Continuing the topic of devil coaches, the evil inside Gene Chizik is so hard to pinpoint, but reveals itself for one moment. Bask in its full splendor as he answers the topic of must-eat restaurants. 

Chizik: No question. Pappadeaux [the Cajun chain]. I was brought up on Pappadeaux. If I'm in Atlanta, and I can get to one, I'm going to Pappadeaux. The crawfish etoufee. Can't beat it. That or the seafood platter. And the shrimp fondue. (Page 2: Even if you're in Louisiana?) Probably. Can't lie.

The emphasis is ours, and the vomiting and booing noises should be yours. All In! (The bathroom because I just had Pappadeaux and the toilet is going to be occupied for the next seven hours.) Saban says he likes eating at home instead of going out, and we can all silently assume this is because it's a lot easier to watch film while eating when Harvey Updyke isn't trying to collect your leftovers as holy relics from the half-finished plate. 

There's also a discussion of postgame handshakes, and this anecdote from Mark Richt:

It was kind of a back-and-forth game, and when I shook hands with Coach Holtz, neither of us said a word. We just looked at each other. It was one of those emotional games where there was nothing left in the tank.

You were emotional, Coach Richt. Coach Holtz was simply having his 173rd minor stroke.

Other necessary facts:

• Houston Nutt loves the Commodores and Earth, Wind, and Fire. We now request footage of him dancing at one of their tour stops this fall, and request it NOW.
  
• Les Miles likes Lil Wayne. We do not think this is a lie.
  
• EVIL REVEALED: Nick Saban likes the Eagles.
• Presented without context, Houston Nutt: "Oklahoma State University in 1981. $1.65 an hour."