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FRANK BEAMER SECRETLY CRAVES AUSSIE RULES

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Florida State received the bulk of the media's adulation at ACC media days. This adulation is more than justified by having eighteen returning starters, a manageable ACC slate*, and the redeemed promise Jimbo Fisher embodied for FSU fans all along as he struggled beneath the wrinkled thumb of Bobby Bowden in the deathgrip era. They lost their starting quarterback, sure, but details, y'all. Jimbo already forced Urban Meyer into retirement! He's totally got this little thing.

*This follows our continual portrayal of Florida State as the school where those who could not get into Alabama Fan Academy go to fulfill their football dreams. They can't even think of their own original storylines, and instead have to imitate Alabama's lone 2011 shortcoming: a new quarterback who has nevertheless seen some significant playing time. The entrance exam to Alabama fandom is correctly identifying Bear Bryant in a lineup of exactly two photos. One is this, and the other is this. Some people get this wrong. They go to Florida State. KNOW YOUR BEARS OR PAY THE PRICE.

So Virginia Tech seems more than happy to lay back and let FSU take the spotlight despite being the defending conference champions, leaving Frank Beamer to do what he does best: worry about his kickers, who appear to be some kind of new quantum punters made in an advanced experimental laboratory on the Virginia Tech campus

"When you talk about two kickers, I think you’ve got some critical question marks, and right now we’re not sure who the punter is gonna be," Beamer said. "The only thing we know is people will not return punts against us because we don’t know where it’s going, they don’t know where it’s going. There’s not a chance in the world guys can return punts against us. That’s the only good I see out of it.

If the Hokies have perfected the quantum punter, you will see some amazing things. "That's a high one, and it's not there now, wait, the ball has reappeared there, and now it's a giant love seat OH GOD GET OUT OF ITS WAY." We can only hope this is what Frank Beamer means, and that VT will win several games when punting teams into parallel dimensions and realities, like one where they have a quarterback, or one where Frank Beamer is coaching the all-kicking game he secretly craves a second career in, Australian Rules Football.*

*Yes, they use fisting to advance the ball, but did you want us to type a sentence involving the words "fisting" and "Frank Beamer" and "balls?" LOOK WHAT YOU MADE US DO.