Dear TV Producers: I am a recently hired football coach who is interested in television shows. I made a script for a pilot. I think you will like it. It is called "BROLENTANGY GENERAL." It is about two sick bros who run a football program and who are also surgeons. They have problems with girls like everyone else. I think it's appeal is universal. My asking price is $1.8 million for the pilot. That may seem like a lot of money but I am prepared to bargain.
UNBROKEN,
Dr. Luke Fickell
PhD Football, Life, Ground and Pound
SCENE ONE
A huddle of crowded nurses push the patient through series of double doors after series of double doors. They go through more double doors. There's like a zillion double doors because it is a hospital. The camera goes to SKINNY NURSE WITH A TAN AND IS BLONDE AND HAS A HUGE RACK. She looks tired but she is still hot.
SKINNY NURSE WITH A TAN AND IS BLONDE AND HAS A HUGE RACK.:
I NEED A CRASH CAR, STAT!
The patient shakes. She is desperately clinging to life but flirting with the end with desperation. Some nervous pacing third year medical student is walking around like a girl. He wants to put the IV bag in but he's a pussy and won't stick it in a vein because he hates blood and is a bad doctor. He went to Michgan.
A car crashes through the wall. This is the CRASH CAR. Without another moment's notice, into the ER comes Dr. Fickell.
DR. FICKELL
DR. FICKELL turns to greet COOL BLACK JANITOR. They do a really complex handshake. COOL BLACK JANITOR is impressed. Dr. Fickell throws the two gloves together forming a diamond to reveal a BLOCK O insignia with his hands
DR. FICKELL
PRO COMBAT - WHEN THE FIGHT FOR LIFE TURNS FATAL YOU'VE GOTTA BE READY TO GO FIVE ROUNDS, BITCH.
WHINY-ASS MICHIGAN DOCTOR STUDENT WHO HATES BLOOD
Dr, I'm not sure that's proper sanitary att-
DR. FICKELL
I've got gloves on. My skin is fresh and clean. I am covered in Axe Body Spray which is a natural disinfectant. NO TIME FOR THINKING. Do you see that other guy across from you? In the opposite corner? HE THINKS YOU'RE WEAK WILLED. HE THINKS YOU'RE READY TO QUIT. HE LOOKED INTO YOU SOUL AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAW?
WHINY-ASS MICHIGAN DOCTOR STUDENT WHO HATES BLOOD
That's Lou. He's a security guard. I'm pretty sure he's asleep.
DR. FICKELL
HE SEES A COWARD. That's what he sees, bro.
DR. FICKELL flexes. It looks awesome.
WHINY-ASS MICHIGAN DOCTOR STUDENT WHO HATES BLOOD
Doctor umm.. I didn't catch your name, but I don't thi--
DR. FICKELL
DR. LUKE FICKELL, PHD, UNDERRATED JIU JITSU and UNSTOPPABLE SCALPEL GAME. And dammit, I'm not losing this patient. She wants to live. She should. She's hot. Hot people never deserve to die.
Dr. Fickell goes to half-guard on the the patient on the gurney, but then starts to put her into a rear naked choke.
DR. FICKELL
JESUS DIDN'T TAP BRO, AND NEITHER WILL YOU.
NURSE WHO ISN'T HOT AND WHO HAS CANKLES AND IS OLD
Dr. Fickell! This is EXTREMELY unorthodox and highly inappropriate.
DR. FICKELL
Your fear is inappropriate. We're gonna need a specialist or else the prognosis is dead. GET ME DR. PROFESSOR. VRABRO!
Into the room runs a similarly unclothed athletically built individual who announces his presence with a ruckus back flip. He's kind of fat, though, and not as ripped as DR. FICKELL. They're both okay with this, though.
NURSE WHO ISN'T HOT AND WHO HAS CANKLES AND IS OLD AND IS JUST BEING LIKE THE BIGGEST PAIN IN THE ASS IN THE WORLD JESUS LADY STOP IT
What the hell is going on?!?
DR. PROFESSOR VRABRO
Dr. Professor Mike VraBro, neurosurgeon, football player, and machinegunsexsnipermurderer.
WHINY-ASS MICHIGAN DOCTOR STUDENT WHO HATES BLOOD AND WHO HAS NOT BEATEN OHIO STATE IN 2802 DAYS
Why is a brain surgeon in the room? This woman has a collapsed lung and is fighting off respiratory failure.
DR. PROFESSOR VRABRO
Breathe, lady. Take in that oxygen. it's a power anti-anxiety technique that should lower the blood pressure and get that adrenaline in check. its an ally, not an impediment.
CANKLES NURSE WHO'S ALL UPTIGHT AND SHIT
Dr, that's precisely the problem. This woman CAN'T breathe, and you're trying to zen heal her while your associate squeezes the life out of her?
DR. PROFESSOR VRABRO
You're only as good as your last surgery. Styles make operations. You can never count out Mike VraBRO.
WHINY-ASS MICHIGAN DOCTOR STUDENT WHO HATES BLOOD AND WHO HAS NOT BEATEN OHIO STATE IN 2802 DAYS
Doctors! THIS. MAN. IS. DYING.
Dr. Fickell spits into a bucket and puts his mouthpiece in.
ORGAN TRANSPLANT COURIER
Dammit, that's a fresh heart! Jesus, watch where you spit.
DR. FICKELL
Alright.
DR. PROFESSOR VRABRO
lleeeeeEEETTTT'S DOOOO THISSSSSSSS.
HERB DEAN OUT OF NOWHERE.
Follow my lead. Touch gloves. Let's have a good clean fight.
DR. PROFESSOR VRABRO lunges with a scalpel in each hand lunging towards the patient when inexplicably Dr. Fickell counters mid-air and pins the surgeon.
DR. PROFESSOR VRABRO
Strong ground game, bro. Mad strong.
DR. FICKELL
Thanks, bro. Respect.
The nurses check the woman who was dying but who isn't because she's too turned on to die now even while unconscious. DR. PROFESSOR VRABRO puts Fickell to sleep, gets up, and wraps himself in an IV tube as though it were a championship belt.
WHINY-ASS MICHIGAN DOCTOR STUDENT WHO HATES BLOOD AND WHO HAS NOT BEATEN OHIO STATE IN 2802 DAYS AND IS BEING A TOTAL GASH
We've got the situation under control, no thanks to either of you gentlemen. Security!
Fickell pops up like nothing happened because his recovery is amazing.
DR. FICKELL
You thinking what I'm thinking?
DR. PROFESSOR VRABRO
McFadden's, bro.
They flex and yell together.
HOT TIRED NURSE FROM THE BEGINNING REMEMBER HER?
This place is so much sexier than when Dr. Tressel ran it.
HOT TIRED NURSE'S BISEXUAL ROOMMATE
You said it. Let's make out.
They kiss. It's hot.
VOICEOVER
Just another day at Brolentangy General.
Disturbed plays over the credits.
CREDITS