HOOVER, AL. (AP) The most confusing moment of SEC Media Days occurred late Thursday afternoon when 13 Derek Dooleys all rushed the stage at once to face a stunned media room during Dooley's scheduled press conference.
"I've never seen so much perfect hair in one place in all my life. It made a Mormon temple look like a congregation of fleabitten hipsters in comparison," said one stunned observer who asked that her name and address not be used due to an ongoing stalking situation that the woman, Sheila Cavanaugh of 1183 Home Park Ave, Sylacauga, Alabama, has with her ex-husband Marty.
Dooleys one through thirteen then fought for supremacy until Dooley #3, a Dooley only recognizable from the other Dooleys on the stage by a streak of white hair running down the right side of his head, prevailed in gory hand-to-hand fighting. A horrified media watched as Dooley #3 placed Dooley #8 in a stranglehold, yelled "Go to sleep!", and then whispered "That's what I call compliance, son," before calmly taking the mike and answering questions.
Dooley #3 had no comment on whether multiple Dooleys were a violation of the NCAA's limitations on staff.
"I'm not sure of all the NCAA's rules on the matter, so I can't really comment on the matter with any authority. I do know what I hopefully taught our players about the Power T, though, and what it means to play at Tennessee. It's about commitment. It's about family. It's about doing what it takes to win, even if it means choking out your own clone to win the game. I hope it doesn't come to that again, but as you saw, I'm more than happy to do it to show young players what it takes to win."