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He will now be known as the faulty urethra of coaches, since Bill Stewart can't even leak properly. According to former Pittsburgh Post-Gazette writer Colin Dunlap on late-night Pittsburgh radio, Stewart approached him and another reporter in December in an effort to dig up dirt on coach-in-waiting Dana Holgorsen. Dunlap, who quit the Post-Gazette to spend more time with his twins in May, said Stewart approached him on December 18th and asked him to dig up dirt on Holgorsen. The request from Stewart was extremely specific:

Can you get the word ’scumbag’ tattooed on the front of the sports page?

How Stewart has the keys to anyone's office is a mystery right now, and he's obviously doing some serious West Virginia Game of Thrones (burning ones, of course) backroom knifing of his subordinate and potential successor. What's boggling is that he hasn't even done it that well or covered his tracks, something you'd think a lifelong assistant would have some expertise in by now, or that Oliver Luck could have let the situation go on this long without intervening or forcing the issue between the two.

AND ALL IT TAKES IS SCREWING UP FOR THREE YEARS STRAIGHT TO GET FIRED IN KNOXVILLE. Tennessee's AD, Mike Hamilton, will be resigning at a press conference this morning at 10:00 a.m. EST. His list of accomplishments is substantial, but we'll always remember you best for hiring Lane Kiffin, and thus giving us the gift of Kiffin's "Last Chopper Out Of Saigon" flight from the mob in Knoxville. Your masterwork, Mr. Hamilton, may never be taken away from you.

THIS IS THE THIRD ITEM. The BCS formally took away USC's 2004 title, and boy won't it show them now that they had all that fun, the conference pocketed all that bowl cash, and they had all the sex with the football world.  Seriously we can't be more blase about this, and we certainly don't want to attempt to take anything from Brandon Hancock, because he is still a huge man who could hurt us very badly. Otherwise, DWM applies here in all but the most formal of circumstances.

DOUBLE THAT ORDER FOR DISMISSIVE WANKING MOTIONS, PLEASE. There is a chicken, and Tommy Tuberville will keep fucking it until Auburn gets the 2004 BCS Title. Auburn's best case scenario in that hypothetical game with USC is losing 31-17, and that's no trolling: that's an awesome Auburn team, and it would lose to a USC team that was the best Pete Carroll fielded in his tenure. This is what the little simulator in our minds tells us, AND YOU SHOULD BE VERY ANGRY OVER THIS FICTIONAL BLOWOUT, AUBURN FANS. 

UM YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LOWER YOUR BAR FOR REPUTATION. After this year in college football off the field, we somehow think a hypothetical Michael Floyd relapse won't compare to lying your ass off to the NCAA or undermining your coach-in-waiting with clumsy muckraking. The bar's pretty low right now: don't hesitate about smiling while skipping over it.

MIKE LEACH FINALLY BROKE THE TWITTERS IN A GOOD WAY. He's right about everything, but more importantly Mike Leach seems to have finally figured out his Twitter voice, and that can only mean awesome lunch updates and long digressions about the history of Cuban smuggling to come. None of this is bad in any way whatsoever.

ETCETERA YOU NEED: Profanity's the fucking best. (Via Chris.) Paris Syndrome is a lot like year one under a really awesome coach WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE LOST TO UL-MONROE? Bill's Arizona State preview is awesome, but he's a machine like that. This picture makes us happy and you cannot take it away from us ever because it is on the internet, and that's all the real we need. A watermelon slice, a chicken leg, a dollar sign, and a hater, or why Von Miller is the tits.