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BCS TO MEET WITH DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE

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Goro requires a new ESPN contract and potato chips. It makes sense, we swear.
Goro requires a new ESPN contract and potato chips. It makes sense, we swear.

Does this mean that we can submit Bill Hancock to torture? We'd hate that, since we both oppose torture (Middle Eastern governments have to be allowed some area of specialty,) and because Bill Hancock in person is a really, really nice man who doesn't deserve torture. A symbolic pie in the face? Of course, but don't try to cheat and use a really hot fruit-stuffed pie, either. A face full of that shit might as well be napalm, so whipped cream souffles only, and no hidden bricks, please.

Mr. Hancock's statement about the DOJ meeting:

"I am very happy to do it and I'm looking forward to it," said Hancock. "The DOJ has legitimate questions about the BCS and I look forward to answering them."

We don't know if admitting that there are any legitimate questions for the DOJ to ask about your organization is a good PR move, especially when Bill Hancock's fond of claiming that the BCS doesn't really exist. Telling a bunch of lawyers about your largely tax-free organization receiving funds from a series of non-profit events raising hundreds of millions of dollars and then suggesting they don't exist makes you sound a lot like you're gaming the tax code at best, and like organized crime at the worst.

If this is the road we're taking, though, we have a few compelling choices.

The Russian mafia is a good choice, but my you're going to have to get a shitload of jailhouse tats, and that could hurt quite a bit. On the upside, track pants can also color-coordinate with the bowls' existing color scheme, and the dance teams of halftime shows could make for a convenient cover for human trafficking. As long as we don't get the BCS announcement live from a Russian steam room with Barry Switzer in a towel swatting himself with birch branches, we could live with this.

Chinese Triads might be the better choice, though. Silk shirts are breathable can replace the Bowl jackets' color scheme with comfortable, wrinkle-free elegance. We can make Bill Hancock get an iron claw for a hand. That's not really a requirement under real Chinese Triad initiation rites, but he doesn't have to know that. The only argument we need for this is "BILL HANCOCK WITH AN IRON CLAW." (Nick Saban, out of pure envy, will have one put on in his sleep, because he seriously doesn't have time for this shit.) 

Pro-wrestling-11_medium

This is the best GIS result for "iron claw," and there are some really good ones.


The other advantage of the adoption of triad mode: judging from a thorough viewing of five decades of kung-fu films, evil Chinese gangs LOVE sponsoring bloodsport tournaments. Since the BCS is halfway there with the bloodsport, it would only be natural for college football's playoff to emerge from a Chinese Triad-style takeover.

Yes, we know Jim Delany would want a sinister throne overlooking the stadium, albeit one plastered with Barbasol stickers. He can have it. That's fine as long as he knows that Mike Slive is Goro up in this bitch, and that four arms are ready to throw his cheap ass out of the throne and lord over the proceedings with a bag of Golden Flake Sweet Heats in all four hands.

PS. Texas is Scorpion: just when the Big 12 thinks they're going to split off and escape off screen, DeLoss Dodds throws the hook and yells GET OVER HERE PATSIES. The Pac-12 is Johnny Cage, sunglasses, no shirt, and happy to kick you in the nuts and laugh about it. The Big East is Stryker.