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JOE PATERNO: "I WOULD HAPPILY GIVE PLAYERS A BUFFALO NICKEL EACH GAME."

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Joe Paterno was forced to engage in unique forms of employ to subsidize his income as a struggling student-athlete at Brown University.
Joe Paterno was forced to engage in unique forms of employ to subsidize his income as a struggling student-athlete at Brown University.

Joe Paterno doesn't see a problem with it at all. In fact, he'd help out himself. 

"I'd happily give a buffalo nickel to each and every single one of my players in reward for their good efforts," said Paterno via telegraph yesterday.

Speaking in response to Steve Spurrier's suggestion of coaches personally paying players after games, Paterno not only endorsed the idea, but gave specifics on how he would go about sharing some of the wealth generated by college football's lucrative media contracts.

"Five cents a game adds up to quite a lot, after a while. A sarsparilla here, a piece of rock candy to share with the dames, it's nothing to sneeze at. Might even put a bit of shine on the ol' jalopy if you scrimp and save. We teach values here at Penn State, and thrift is no exception." 

There were limits, Paterno cautioned.

"A Susan B. Anthony dollar, ehhh, it's too much. It's just too much. Gin joints and jazz. That's where that ends up. That's a whole other candy store, trust me. You'll attract the attentions of anarchists, spiritualists, and neo-flapper girls. Only one of those is good, and they're all bandaged up and full of lies, anyway."

"Flappers were a bogus bill of sale, that's all I'm saying. Like unwrapping a bad sausage, you know? Lumps everywhere. Where was I?"

Paterno then commented that his grandfather, still alive at 834 years old, needed to use the line to talk to "a hot blooded Calabrese dame quick with a knife and faster still with embraces."