YOU CRAFTY DEVIL. In the annals of trick playdom, there is a fine line between stupidity and genius, and this play gets right up against it and rubs its cheeks on pure idiocy without kissing it right on the lips.
PROBLEM, WEST VIRGINIA?
IN THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF LIFE SURPASSING SATIRE. Compliance directors of the world, why you gotta troll so hard?
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Several of Ohio State's athletic administrators workers drive courtesy cars that are provided by local car dealers, including the director of NCAA compliance, 10 Investigates' Paul Aker reported on Thursday.
It's a shame the local news crew didn't do the running-after-the-car interview, because if we were Doug Archie we'd pause, wave for them to catch up, roll down the window, act like we were going to speak, and then yell out "HI HATER" before peeling out in a cloud of smoke. Gene Smith is considering hiring private detectives to track Ohio State athletes and investigate possible cases of NCAA rules infractions, and seriously you're all fucking fired like three days ago because you are horrible at your jobs and are incompetent people. (There are charts to prove it, too!)
AND CONTINUING THIS THEME. That 7-on-7 log is about to get kicked over, too, though if it involves Auburn, Ohio State, LSU, and Tennessee, we'll assume USC will pay for it somehow via venereal Kiffin Coaching Herpes vibes because [COMPLETELY MADE UP RULES.] This ends like the Untouchables, when the NCAA nails everyone in a dramatic shootout, allows payment of players, and Steve Spurrier walks out of the bar after the server asks him "What you gonna do now" and says "I'm gonna go pay a player, son."
AND JUST ONE MORE. We cannot wait until real football, and for stories that don't involve parking tickets and Butch Davis taking bullet after bullet without effect.
PROGNOSIS: GOOD. SBNation's resident doctor elaborates on Wuerffel's condition, and it's a largely positive prognosis. Yeah, we've got a doctor on call for these things, and one day he'll explain just how the hell compartment syndrome happens and how we can't get it from hitting our leg on the chair Magnus likes to leave in the middle of the kitchen.
OMG REAL FOOTBALL. You can either bitch about the problem or fix it, and dammit if you want to remasculinize France, you start with this. We're all about solutions, and also about the prospect of coaching a football game in an environment where we could drink a bottle of red wine each half without anyone batting an eye.