YOU GOT ENOUGH PROTONS TO GET THIS. Kansas wide receivers Daymond Patterson and AJ Steward are doing their own web series where they "take on KU," something we take to mean that they're going to do the Dhani Jones thing, but in an entertaining way, and all over the world of "Lawrence, Kansas" instead of "the world." (We insist that show squandered every opportunity it had to be successful by sending a talented athlete to attempt things instead of sending, you know, us.)
The first installment is a shootout against the women's soccer team, and if you are as impatient as we are, just watch the first minute or so, skip ahead to the 5:00 mark, and then watch the celebration.
The camera crash will be made into a gif shortly, and repeated throughout the season along with the phrase "I think you need a few more protons to get this." (Via Brad Hope.)
ON THE CONDITION OF ST. DANIEL CARL WUERFFEL. It is Guillain-Barre that hospitalized Danny Wuerffel, and he is expected to make a full recovery from the rare and extremely terrifying condition. You can Wikipedia just as well as we can, but the really unnerving thing about the syndrome is the ascending paralysis beginning in the extremities and creeping inward toward the body, a progression that can sometimes necessitate the patient being put on a respirator for some time before the process begins to reverse itself.
It's being trapped as an inmate in your own body, and while temporary in most cases (especially when caught early, as it was in Wuerffel's case,) it is still an unnerving prospect for anyone. Happy thoughts to a person who may genuinely be the nicest person to ever play for the University of Florida, and hopes for a swift recovery.
STEVE KRAGTHORPE HAS NOTED THIS, AND IS PREPARING A RUN-HEAVY GAME PLAN WITH TEN PASSES AS A RESULT. Cliff Harris will for the moment be suspended for the first game of the season against LSU in Dallas, and if you think this is going to make a huge difference in LSU's gameplan you obviously did not watch anything Steve Kragthorpe ever did at Louisville ever. Has anyone noticed that Jordan Jefferson and Steve Kragthorpe are currently in mindmeld as the OC and QB of LSU? And that the noise this mindmeld makes is probably something like this? And that as bad as it may be at times, it's still better than Gary Crowton?
OKAY WE'RE HUNGRY BECAUSE THIS SOUNDS DELICIOUS. Nebraska putting Taylor Martinez in a yeast dough bread pocket sounds really delicious, and that's probably because we're hungry and haven't eaten second breakfast yet.
We would object to one point, however, and only because we've made ignorant-ass statements about it before: the Big Ten remains underacknowledged for its history of offensive innovation, especially in terms of helping to develop the spread option as a viable, widely used offensive system. It's not like any conference has a monopoly on sludgy tradition or innovation. For every Chip Kelly in the Pac-12 there's a Dennis Erickson, and for every Dana Holgorsen in the Big East there's a Paul Pasqualoni. (Yes, that still happened when you weren't looking.)
Still, every discussion of Nebraska's adjustments entering the Big Ten should include a lengthy discussion of sandwiches, because holy shit that does look good. (Minus the cheese, of course. DON'T JUDGE ME I WAS BORN THIS WAY.)
NOOOOOO. They'll be fine. No really, that's not sarcasm. They may lose a few, but they're still outspending their peers in the Big Ten by many furlongs, and as long as that's true they'll still land the lion's share of Rust Belt talent because they're bigger, call more often and with greater consistency, and because everyone else is rolling hubcaps around like they're Sacagawea dollars, or rims like they're farthings, or damn you coin/auto accessory metaphors, you've defeated us again!
THE HOLY BUTT DIAL. We thought Boise State's NCAA violations were the dumbest on record, but--heyyyyy relevant homophones---then we remembered Mark Richt's butt-dialing, and so did the NCAA.
MIKE LOCKSLEY WOULD HAVE HANDLED THIS, AND WE THINK YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN. A New Mexico football player is arrested after refusing to leave a US Airways jet for having pants that were located somewhere between his knees and his ass. He was taken into custody by San Francisco police, but had to transfer through Charlotte first.
OF COURSE YOU DID. Dana Holgorsen news one, and Dana Holgorsen news two SPONSORED BY BALLIN' JEEP.
HELL YES DAVE CHAPPELLE. IT'S HAPPENING GUYS OMG IT'S HAPPENING---