Jim Tressel will be joining the cast of Law and Order: Vestibular Intent. It's the one with Vincent D'Onofrio where he acts weird, recites impossible facts off the top of his head, and tastes dead bodies and says he detects the presence of a chemical the writers clearly just made up on the spot. Every episode will work exactly like this.
[CLONK CLONK CLONK CLONK CLONK CLONK LAW AND ORDER NOISE]
Crime scene. Steadicam.
Detective Goren: What do we have here?
Detective Tressel: Looks like a beautiful day and nice weather, that's what we have here, Detective Goren. Don't see anything besides that.
Goren: Well...you're missing the barbecue, then.
Tressel: Well, if you wanted food you should have just asked me. I always bring extra sandwiches.
Detective Goren tastes the fire with his tongue.
Goren: I taste kerosene and corpse.
Other cops all look at him with disgusted faces.
Detective Two: Jesus, why do you always do something like that? And what kind of jacked-up Venezuelan detective school did you go to that insisted that tasting corpses, poking your finger in gunshot wounds and licking it, and staring at people with that gigantic noggin of yours passed for police work?
Goren: [OBSCURE BUT RELEVANT QUOTE RECITED FROM MEMORY]
/pokes finger in gunshot wound
/blocks out sun with head.
Detective Two: I'll go do something useful, like run the VIN tag on this car while you're being Lieutenant Grossballs over there. Oh look, a note that reads "That's the last time you'll cheat on me. Love, your husband." This was hard.
Goren: A ruse. It's---[takes top three stories from Yahoo News that week]---a coverup by a politician named Kit Bomney to keep someone from blabbing about his connection to the North Koreans, Syrians, and the Supreme Court.
What say you, Detective Tressel?
[GOREN GETS THREE CENTIMETERS FROM TRESSEL'S FACE AND BREATHES HEAVILY INTO HIS EYEBALLS.]
Tressel: You know what, it's such a nice day, and we've got nothing to do since there's nothing to see here. I'll go get hot dogs! Everyone loves hot dogs!
[CLONK CLONK CLONK CLONK CLONK CLONK]
Law and Order: Vestibular Intent will air on USA this fall, and will suck.